Well, it's been a great 3 months of sleeping in, traveling and actually enjoying New York during the day, but unfortunately, like all things, it has come to an end. You see, I got a job yesterday. Not only did I get a job, but I start Monday. Odd enough, my immediate reaction was, "Monday...that's too soon! I still haven't finished all my House episodes on DVR. What about my private yoga lessons? I didn't get to the MOMA exhibit where you just sit and stare at the crazy lady!" For you see, in NYC, there is always something to do. I guess now I have to learn to do them now before 9AM or after 7PM.
I remember when I was freaking out a bit over being unemployed, my darling friend Peter told me that once I get a job, I will miss these days, so don't fret. And you know what? I will..and I won't. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. Once I got back from California, I was getting pretty bored. I hated that the lady in the coffee shop knew what I wanted before I said it. I was starting to recognize the dog walkers on my street... as well as the actual dogs! I kinda felt like an old lady.
Don't get me wrong; being unemployed was the shit. I traveled, did anything I wanted, sleep a LOT..but in typical Laura fashion, I get bored pretty easily and I guess even my favorite things started to get tiresome. Except for sleep. Sleep will never ever get boring. I love sleep. "Well, if you love sleep so much then why don't you marry it?" you may ask. Well, I would say "I Do" to sleep in a second. If a man in Germany can marry his cat and a guy in Japan can marry a pillow, why can't I marry the concept of sleep? But I digress.
I guess I have two pieces of advice: one for the newly unemployed and one for the employed.
To the Unemployed: If you get laid off, please PLEASE do not fret. I am sure that whatever you were doing wasn't right for you. If it was, you can get a job in that same field no problem. If it wasn't, then take some time off and find out what is right for you. Enjoy your freedom. It's like a summer vacation that adults never get (except for teachers...darn lucky teachers). You WILL get a job. Think positively and great things will happen to you. Just don't quit. Quitting is lame and is for losers. Even if you are out of work for a year...keep on plugging away. And if you still don't have a job, well then maybe you kinda suck at what you're doing and should consider a trade or work at a CVS pharmacy.
To the Employed: SAVE YOUR MONEY DAMMITT. Save it! Part of what made my being unemployed so fun was that I saved enough money so I didn't have to worry about rent or utilities..only the fun stuff. Get at least 10K under your belt. Then if you get laid off, it is a LOT less stressful and you can really focus on getting your career back on track. Or if you hate your job, you can just go into your boss's office, throw up the middle finger and quit!
So, what will become of this blog? I hope that maybe someone out there will take over and maybe tell their story of unemployment (ahem, you know who you are). Maybe I'll start a new blog. Either way, I am sure there are many other stories to be told, albeit, probably not as funny as mine.
In conclusion, unemployment was a lot of fun. And it still IS so hot right not. My friend saw someone wearing a shirt that read, "Unemployment is the new black." So if you are unemployed, you aren't alone. Don't get all depressed. Buck up! When one door closes another opens...all that mumbo jumbo. Just enjoy life.
Bye for now! Look out for my new blog "Help I got a new job and wish I were unemployed again!"
xoxo
Laura
Song of the Day: Be Faithful, Fatman Scoop, "You gotta hundred dollar bill put ya hands up! You gotta fifty dollar bill put ya hands up!
You gotta twenty dollar bill put ya hands up! You gotta ten dollar bill put ya hands up!"
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
California Dreaming
Wow, I can't get over the most amazing time I had in LA. I met so many people, and experienced so many karmic coincidences that I think I may actually move there soon. What is even crazier is that I am writing this at 33,000 ft. I LOVE Virgin America. Wifi on planes?? How cool.
I want to blog about each day separately, but I did want to say that Brandon Fraiser is on my plane and I think that is cool because I liked Encino Man. More posts to come...including: Run in with old friends, party with the Hilton sister, a private tour of the Desperate Housewives set, and a day trip to Malibu. I don't think it gets better than that!
Song of the Day: Going Back to Cali, Biggie. "If I got to chose a coast, I got to chose the east, I live out there, so don't go there."
I want to blog about each day separately, but I did want to say that Brandon Fraiser is on my plane and I think that is cool because I liked Encino Man. More posts to come...including: Run in with old friends, party with the Hilton sister, a private tour of the Desperate Housewives set, and a day trip to Malibu. I don't think it gets better than that!
Song of the Day: Going Back to Cali, Biggie. "If I got to chose a coast, I got to chose the east, I live out there, so don't go there."
Monday, April 19, 2010
California
here we come.....Ok, I hope you you have "The OC" theme song in your head because I have had it in my head for 2 days now...
So first day. I went to the LA comedy film festival and had a great time. Then my friend took me to Sunset for a great lunch and then we went to THE Coffee Bean on Fairfax and Sunset where are the aspiring writers hang out. The coffee there is so good. We need them here in NY, along with In N Out of course.
Good story about me at the festival. I attended a panel in the morning with a bunch of comedians/writers. Most of the cast of Reno 911, some dude who created Malcolm in the Middle, the producer of Everyone Hates Chris and Laura Kightlinger (LK)--a comedienne I remember watching when I was younger on MTV. It was fantastic and they gave a lot of great insight about the process of getting your writing out there.
So, after the panel, the panelists were hanging around with fan stalking them. I was just waiting to go back into the theatre to watch the comedy clips. I was near LK and a girl next to me looks at me, then my name badge and said, "Laura Carlucci? Oh yeah, Laura was looking for you" and she shoves me towards her. Huh? Me? I didn't ask any mind blowing questions? Did she just see me and think how cute I was and assumed I had to be as funny? So confused!! She introduces herself to me and said, "Hi Laura, can you wait here for a second?" I was definitely not sure what was going on. Then she starts talking to Tom Lennon from Reno 911 and I am just standing next to her like why am I here right now? Did I win a studio audience prize? I'm nodding as if I am part of the conversation, you know, like obviously I am supposed to be there. Finally she is done and is turns to me and says, "Ok, let's go." I couldn't pretend any longer. I told her I had no idea what she meant. She looked confused and said, "Oh, I thought you were my driver. I was told a young blonde girl was going to pick me up." What???? What about me screamed driver to her? I was both offended and flattered at the same time (She did call me young after all). So with that, I told her that not only am I not her driver, but I can barely drive. And with that, she just walked off. Leaving me there with people looking at me weird. I guess that is LA for you.
Song of the Day: Drive, Cars, "Who's gonna drive you home tonight?"
So first day. I went to the LA comedy film festival and had a great time. Then my friend took me to Sunset for a great lunch and then we went to THE Coffee Bean on Fairfax and Sunset where are the aspiring writers hang out. The coffee there is so good. We need them here in NY, along with In N Out of course.
Good story about me at the festival. I attended a panel in the morning with a bunch of comedians/writers. Most of the cast of Reno 911, some dude who created Malcolm in the Middle, the producer of Everyone Hates Chris and Laura Kightlinger (LK)--a comedienne I remember watching when I was younger on MTV. It was fantastic and they gave a lot of great insight about the process of getting your writing out there.
So, after the panel, the panelists were hanging around with fan stalking them. I was just waiting to go back into the theatre to watch the comedy clips. I was near LK and a girl next to me looks at me, then my name badge and said, "Laura Carlucci? Oh yeah, Laura was looking for you" and she shoves me towards her. Huh? Me? I didn't ask any mind blowing questions? Did she just see me and think how cute I was and assumed I had to be as funny? So confused!! She introduces herself to me and said, "Hi Laura, can you wait here for a second?" I was definitely not sure what was going on. Then she starts talking to Tom Lennon from Reno 911 and I am just standing next to her like why am I here right now? Did I win a studio audience prize? I'm nodding as if I am part of the conversation, you know, like obviously I am supposed to be there. Finally she is done and is turns to me and says, "Ok, let's go." I couldn't pretend any longer. I told her I had no idea what she meant. She looked confused and said, "Oh, I thought you were my driver. I was told a young blonde girl was going to pick me up." What???? What about me screamed driver to her? I was both offended and flattered at the same time (She did call me young after all). So with that, I told her that not only am I not her driver, but I can barely drive. And with that, she just walked off. Leaving me there with people looking at me weird. I guess that is LA for you.
Song of the Day: Drive, Cars, "Who's gonna drive you home tonight?"
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Hotel California
Before I go into my first full day of LA, I need to get something off my chest.
I would like to offically go on record that I am over the dada-esque hotel craze that Ian Schrager made so hot in the 90s. I'm staying at the Standard (Downtown, NOT on Sunset) and I'm just not into the bizarre factor anymore. For example, this was in a random corner in the side lobby:
Seriously. Why? Then I go into my room which has a horrendous grey and yellow theme--total ick. I'm getting serious anxiety from this color scheme. The bathroom is all glass so if you were staying with someone, they would see you do all your bathroom business. And speaking of bathroom business, this sticker was on the toilet paper:
Really??? That is just gross and stupid and unnecessary. Keeping with the theme of tasteless,the mini bar offers condoms with real graphic positions on the cover of the box (La Tour Eiffel? Mon Dieu!) Where am I Tokyo? Give me a bathroom with walls, non-offensive toilet paper stickers, and a plain box of Trojans any day. The bed is super cozy though and the rooftop is cool...so it's got that going for it.
Ok, next post will be summary of my lovely first day here. I'll end per us (yeah, I abbreviate usual now) with the song of the day, one that I feel should be playing in this lobby 24/7 to capture the true vibe here.
Song of the Day: Revolution 9, The Beatles, "Number 9, number 9, number 9....."
I would like to offically go on record that I am over the dada-esque hotel craze that Ian Schrager made so hot in the 90s. I'm staying at the Standard (Downtown, NOT on Sunset) and I'm just not into the bizarre factor anymore. For example, this was in a random corner in the side lobby:
Seriously. Why? Then I go into my room which has a horrendous grey and yellow theme--total ick. I'm getting serious anxiety from this color scheme. The bathroom is all glass so if you were staying with someone, they would see you do all your bathroom business. And speaking of bathroom business, this sticker was on the toilet paper:
Really??? That is just gross and stupid and unnecessary. Keeping with the theme of tasteless,the mini bar offers condoms with real graphic positions on the cover of the box (La Tour Eiffel? Mon Dieu!) Where am I Tokyo? Give me a bathroom with walls, non-offensive toilet paper stickers, and a plain box of Trojans any day. The bed is super cozy though and the rooftop is cool...so it's got that going for it.
Ok, next post will be summary of my lovely first day here. I'll end per us (yeah, I abbreviate usual now) with the song of the day, one that I feel should be playing in this lobby 24/7 to capture the true vibe here.
Song of the Day: Revolution 9, The Beatles, "Number 9, number 9, number 9....."
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Grey in L.A.
Well, it's not really grey, but it IS super smoggy. So this is the week. The week I traipse around LA and think about if I really want to move out here. However, before I even landed this afternoon, I am afraid I am already leaning towards no. Why? Because I hate to fly.
I have been on a plane probably over 100 times in my life and I still get nervous. I hate it. It's something I can't shake. So usually the night before I am a ball of nerves and can't get any sleep and then am all paranoid on the flight. I hate it.
So here is my funny story of the day. I barely got ANY sleep last night so I was particularly cranky and panic attack-y. I flew Virgin which I can not rave about more. It is amazing. You just order food on a screen and people come to you...no annoying carts! Plus you can watch movies, TV, listen to music etc. I really like it. But that's not my point. Let's get back to the "listening to music part."
Around Denver we started getting a lot of turbulence so I decided to watch episodes of Curb to calm my nerves and watch someone who is more neurotic than I am. So here I am listening via my Ipod headphones but I can hear this music and it is driving me nuts. I realized that it was probably coming from the guy in front of me who had on ginormous earphones. I was annoyed. Why are you listening to your music so loud that I can hear it from behind you. However, it was really light, and I noticed it was JT, and hey I like James Taylor. I tried to watch TV amid the bumps, getting more and more sure that the plane is going to drop 10,000 ft, and this guy's music is getting louder. I try leaning in to try and hear how loud his friggin headphones can be! Then I hear Elton John--hey I like that song too.
I am getting more and more annoyed with this guy. Next I hear Phish...what the heck is his guy listening too? Let me qualify my next move by telling you that when I fly I get really nervous and jumpy and have little tolerance for anything. I finally tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked him in my most Laura passive aggressive nice way to please turn down his music because I can hear it all the way in my seat. Mind you I was being a little cranky, but this guy looked at me so evil and said, "I don't know what the hell you're talking about...I'm watching CNN." I got a smackdown...but was still confused. Where the hell is this music coming from? And it's getting loud!
Then I hear this obscure song that I have on my Ipod. Hmmm, that's odd. I lean by my purse. The music is now disco-level. Yep, it was coming from my Ipod. No one ever told me that the new Ipod has a speaker so you can hear music even without the earphones on!!!! Every time I kicked under my seat in annoyance, the volume was going up!I was mortified. Luckily the person next to me was asleep and didn't catch my horrible mistake. And no, I didn't apologize to the guy.
So now I am at my hotel and want to sleep but am dying to go out and see what LA has to offer. More updates to come.
Song of the Day: Married with Children, Oasis, "Your music's shite it keeps me up all night, up all night."
I have been on a plane probably over 100 times in my life and I still get nervous. I hate it. It's something I can't shake. So usually the night before I am a ball of nerves and can't get any sleep and then am all paranoid on the flight. I hate it.
So here is my funny story of the day. I barely got ANY sleep last night so I was particularly cranky and panic attack-y. I flew Virgin which I can not rave about more. It is amazing. You just order food on a screen and people come to you...no annoying carts! Plus you can watch movies, TV, listen to music etc. I really like it. But that's not my point. Let's get back to the "listening to music part."
Around Denver we started getting a lot of turbulence so I decided to watch episodes of Curb to calm my nerves and watch someone who is more neurotic than I am. So here I am listening via my Ipod headphones but I can hear this music and it is driving me nuts. I realized that it was probably coming from the guy in front of me who had on ginormous earphones. I was annoyed. Why are you listening to your music so loud that I can hear it from behind you. However, it was really light, and I noticed it was JT, and hey I like James Taylor. I tried to watch TV amid the bumps, getting more and more sure that the plane is going to drop 10,000 ft, and this guy's music is getting louder. I try leaning in to try and hear how loud his friggin headphones can be! Then I hear Elton John--hey I like that song too.
I am getting more and more annoyed with this guy. Next I hear Phish...what the heck is his guy listening too? Let me qualify my next move by telling you that when I fly I get really nervous and jumpy and have little tolerance for anything. I finally tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked him in my most Laura passive aggressive nice way to please turn down his music because I can hear it all the way in my seat. Mind you I was being a little cranky, but this guy looked at me so evil and said, "I don't know what the hell you're talking about...I'm watching CNN." I got a smackdown...but was still confused. Where the hell is this music coming from? And it's getting loud!
Then I hear this obscure song that I have on my Ipod. Hmmm, that's odd. I lean by my purse. The music is now disco-level. Yep, it was coming from my Ipod. No one ever told me that the new Ipod has a speaker so you can hear music even without the earphones on!!!! Every time I kicked under my seat in annoyance, the volume was going up!I was mortified. Luckily the person next to me was asleep and didn't catch my horrible mistake. And no, I didn't apologize to the guy.
So now I am at my hotel and want to sleep but am dying to go out and see what LA has to offer. More updates to come.
Song of the Day: Married with Children, Oasis, "Your music's shite it keeps me up all night, up all night."
Friday, April 9, 2010
You're My Inspiration
Wow...what a fun, Tina Fey-filled week. The premiere of Date Night was super fun, only to be topped off with a visit to Regis and Kelly (thanks to my friend Monica) to once again see Tina Fey. Ok, let's get the obvious questions out of the way. Regis and Kelly are super nice: they go out into the audience during the breaks and seem happy to talk to the audience. I talked to Reg, since I saw him at the premiere the night before (well, I did from afar) so we bonded over the film. Kelly IS thin, but really looks good and healthy. Tina was funny of course and the other guests were Andie McDowell (sp?) and a special appearance by Michael J. Fox which was awesome since I loved him since Family Ties.
All in all it was fun, but I wasn't star struck at the premiere, although Hugh Jackman is super hot in person. Is it because I'm a New Yorker? Is it because I have worked at celebrity event before? Who knows, but I am, super lucky to be able to experience all the things I have. But being blase about seeing stars isn't funny...so let me tell you my embarrassing story about meeting my number one idol, Judd Apatow.
I believe it was the summer of 2008. Knocked Up was hit,and I officially fell in love with Judd Apatow's writing. Although I think 40YOV was a funnier movie, I just really loved how he wrote this film. I thing the friends in the movie reminded me of my friends and how we relate to things. The dialogue, scripted or improvised, felt like something I wrote. I loved the music he chose. I literally watched the DVD over 50 times, mostly watching it with the commentary on to get a better feel for his process (note: basically the commentary is just full of stories and jokes). I feel like if he met me, he would think I'm cool, you know?
So....this was just before SuperBad and he wasn't uber famous yet, and I read that he was being honored at the Nantucket Film Festival. I had never heard of it before, but having been to Nantucket, just a 40 min Jet Blue flight away, I knew I had to go and meet him. It was a bold move. My friend backed out at the last minute, so I wound up going solo. Ironically enough, I flew up with the founder of the festival and we became fast friends and he introduced me to a lot of people. That was worth it if anything.
But then the time came to meet Judd. There was a very nice ceremony on Jetty's Beach, hosted by Brian Williams, who is not only smoking hot, but as funny as any of the comedians on the room...he's a catch. Again, Judd was popular, but I don't think he was familiar to the "Nantucket Crowd." He wasn't being hounded, so I saw my chance to bombard him! I think I literally knocked down Meg Ryan and Jerry Stiller to get to him. I finally approached him and what happened??? I had the Ralphie visiting Santa Claus moment. I wanted to tell him all about my Red Ryder BB Gun, but all that come out of my mouth was that I wanted a football! Actually I think what I said was "I watched your DVD (wasn't specific) and learned a lot from the director's cut. I want to become a writer because of you." WHAT? What the hell did that mean? As I wanted to clarify, he was being pulled on stage but he was nice enough to wish me good luck. I wanted to grab his leg and tell him how great he is, but nope, I missed my chance...or did I?
You see, after the ceremony, the honoree stuck around. Aha! I thought. A chance for redemption. However, fate was not on my side that night. As I walked up to him once again, I could see him thinking...ok here comes crazy lady. My friend who is from Nantucket was there and urged me to ask him for a pic. I asked him and he was gracious enough to pose with me and my friend. His little girl was there and didn't want to be in the picture, but decided to take the picture instead. If Tyra has taught me anything, it is that getting shot from the ground up is NOT a flattering angle. Also, it was hot as balls in the tent, and I was sweating like a whore in church (I love that saying). The picture that came to be, could be the worst photo of me of all time. I think of the scene in 16 Candles when Ted asks his friends to take a pic of the hot girl in the Rolls and all they got was his eye. I wanted this perfect moment to be realized in a perfect picture and instead I got this:
Horrible, I know! I mean, worst. picture. ever. I have crazy eyes! I have 4 chins! I am beyond shiny. I kid you not, his daughter told me I looked funny after she took the photo. I was too excited to even look before he left, assuming it couldn't be that bad. God I wish I asked for a re-do. I hate this pic and love it at the same time, because I remember how excited and happy I was to meet him and how nice and low key he was. It was a great event and I went last year and plan on going this year, but that night was super special. If only I had a good picture to prove it. Hopefully one day I will meet him again and I can redeem myself!
PS- I will bet you all 10 dollars that my mom gets mad I posted this picture because I look so horrible!!
Song of the Day: One More Chance, The Notorious B.I.G., " Fuck the past, let's dwell on the 500 SL."
Wow--never realized how dirty these lyrics are...that was the tamest line in the song!
All in all it was fun, but I wasn't star struck at the premiere, although Hugh Jackman is super hot in person. Is it because I'm a New Yorker? Is it because I have worked at celebrity event before? Who knows, but I am, super lucky to be able to experience all the things I have. But being blase about seeing stars isn't funny...so let me tell you my embarrassing story about meeting my number one idol, Judd Apatow.
I believe it was the summer of 2008. Knocked Up was hit,and I officially fell in love with Judd Apatow's writing. Although I think 40YOV was a funnier movie, I just really loved how he wrote this film. I thing the friends in the movie reminded me of my friends and how we relate to things. The dialogue, scripted or improvised, felt like something I wrote. I loved the music he chose. I literally watched the DVD over 50 times, mostly watching it with the commentary on to get a better feel for his process (note: basically the commentary is just full of stories and jokes). I feel like if he met me, he would think I'm cool, you know?
So....this was just before SuperBad and he wasn't uber famous yet, and I read that he was being honored at the Nantucket Film Festival. I had never heard of it before, but having been to Nantucket, just a 40 min Jet Blue flight away, I knew I had to go and meet him. It was a bold move. My friend backed out at the last minute, so I wound up going solo. Ironically enough, I flew up with the founder of the festival and we became fast friends and he introduced me to a lot of people. That was worth it if anything.
But then the time came to meet Judd. There was a very nice ceremony on Jetty's Beach, hosted by Brian Williams, who is not only smoking hot, but as funny as any of the comedians on the room...he's a catch. Again, Judd was popular, but I don't think he was familiar to the "Nantucket Crowd." He wasn't being hounded, so I saw my chance to bombard him! I think I literally knocked down Meg Ryan and Jerry Stiller to get to him. I finally approached him and what happened??? I had the Ralphie visiting Santa Claus moment. I wanted to tell him all about my Red Ryder BB Gun, but all that come out of my mouth was that I wanted a football! Actually I think what I said was "I watched your DVD (wasn't specific) and learned a lot from the director's cut. I want to become a writer because of you." WHAT? What the hell did that mean? As I wanted to clarify, he was being pulled on stage but he was nice enough to wish me good luck. I wanted to grab his leg and tell him how great he is, but nope, I missed my chance...or did I?
You see, after the ceremony, the honoree stuck around. Aha! I thought. A chance for redemption. However, fate was not on my side that night. As I walked up to him once again, I could see him thinking...ok here comes crazy lady. My friend who is from Nantucket was there and urged me to ask him for a pic. I asked him and he was gracious enough to pose with me and my friend. His little girl was there and didn't want to be in the picture, but decided to take the picture instead. If Tyra has taught me anything, it is that getting shot from the ground up is NOT a flattering angle. Also, it was hot as balls in the tent, and I was sweating like a whore in church (I love that saying). The picture that came to be, could be the worst photo of me of all time. I think of the scene in 16 Candles when Ted asks his friends to take a pic of the hot girl in the Rolls and all they got was his eye. I wanted this perfect moment to be realized in a perfect picture and instead I got this:
Horrible, I know! I mean, worst. picture. ever. I have crazy eyes! I have 4 chins! I am beyond shiny. I kid you not, his daughter told me I looked funny after she took the photo. I was too excited to even look before he left, assuming it couldn't be that bad. God I wish I asked for a re-do. I hate this pic and love it at the same time, because I remember how excited and happy I was to meet him and how nice and low key he was. It was a great event and I went last year and plan on going this year, but that night was super special. If only I had a good picture to prove it. Hopefully one day I will meet him again and I can redeem myself!
PS- I will bet you all 10 dollars that my mom gets mad I posted this picture because I look so horrible!!
Song of the Day: One More Chance, The Notorious B.I.G., " Fuck the past, let's dwell on the 500 SL."
Wow--never realized how dirty these lyrics are...that was the tamest line in the song!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Good Times
Wow...unemployment has yet to disappoint. Just got back from an amazing ski trip and am now in the big apple prepping to go to the "Date Night" premiere with my cousin. I can even camp out on line early b/c I ain't got no job. I am going to call my friendager, Lana, to see how I should handle stalking Tina Fey...in a good way, not like a John Hinckley way.
AND......I fulfilled one of the promises I made on this blog. Well two actually. First up, my friend got me tickets for Regis and Kelly tomorrow. Ironically enough, Tina Fey is the guest. Seriously, this wasn't planned. God, now I do sound like a stalker. So...everyone pray to the gift fairy that they are giving out free goodies at the show tomorrow.
THEN, I booked my first trip to LA to scope out the scene. Everyone has been more than helpful in helping me set up meetings with people they know out there. I'm even going to have a nice HS/College/Bschool reunion with some old friends. Still in the early planning stages, but I really hope to come back with a better idea if I am ready to be governed by Arnold Schwarzenegger and willing to gain 10 lbs from all the In and Out I will be consuming. Plus in the most bizarre twist of fates, my dad is actually encouraging me to go out there and look for work. Mom...not so much.
So, good things are happening and I will write tomorrow about my experiences. Also, look for me on Regis and Kelly tomorrow...I'll try to yell out something really obscure, like "Take it off Gelman" or "Grand Rapids Represent." Something to that effect. Or just listen for my really loud obnoxious laugh.
Song of the Day: I'm So Excited, The Pointer Sisters, "Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen."
AND......I fulfilled one of the promises I made on this blog. Well two actually. First up, my friend got me tickets for Regis and Kelly tomorrow. Ironically enough, Tina Fey is the guest. Seriously, this wasn't planned. God, now I do sound like a stalker. So...everyone pray to the gift fairy that they are giving out free goodies at the show tomorrow.
THEN, I booked my first trip to LA to scope out the scene. Everyone has been more than helpful in helping me set up meetings with people they know out there. I'm even going to have a nice HS/College/Bschool reunion with some old friends. Still in the early planning stages, but I really hope to come back with a better idea if I am ready to be governed by Arnold Schwarzenegger and willing to gain 10 lbs from all the In and Out I will be consuming. Plus in the most bizarre twist of fates, my dad is actually encouraging me to go out there and look for work. Mom...not so much.
So, good things are happening and I will write tomorrow about my experiences. Also, look for me on Regis and Kelly tomorrow...I'll try to yell out something really obscure, like "Take it off Gelman" or "Grand Rapids Represent." Something to that effect. Or just listen for my really loud obnoxious laugh.
Song of the Day: I'm So Excited, The Pointer Sisters, "Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen."
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Vacation
You guys....hunting for a job is tiring. I need a vacation. Ergo, I am packing my bags tonight for a fun 4 day trip to Breckenridge. I'm beyond super stoked. I haven't been skiing (I hate spelling that word too) in over a year, so hopefully I won't get challenged to a ski-off down K-13 (that was for you Earl). I'll be there through Easter, so HOPEFULLY I'll find a church for Sunday (that was for you mom).
Getting back to the job search. Seriously, what happened to the good ole days when you would circle a job in the NYT, fax over your resume, then get an interview? Now it's like getting into Fort Knox just to send in your resume over the interweb. Not to sound like an old geezer, but it really is frustrating.
It seems like all corporations now want you to "sign up" in order to apply for a job. This entails a 6 page process where you basically fill in all information from birthday to ethnicity. BTW, why do they ask you if you are Hispanic first then go on to ask about all other races? Isn't that weird? I can't tell if it is biased towards or against Hispanic people. Anywho, after you take 30 minutes to fill out a bunch of crap that is already on your resume, and god forbid you don't save any of it and have to start all over, then they ask you to upload a resume. I mean come on! Just ask for that in the first place you idiots! Then I have to come up with a witty cover letter? And after all that, all that hullabaloo, I get a confirmation email with a tracking number that tells me I will be called if I meet the criteria. I don't even get a person's name or number so I can harass them every day.
So basically it takes me about 45 minutes to apply for one job. That is seriously cutting into my sleep/work out/eat/shop/go out schedule. Very uncool. Can you feel my struggle now? Don't you see why I need a vacation? I know you are all with me on this one.
Off to Colorado and I hope everyone has a good Easter and Passover. Hopefully I will have a funny story or two when I get back!
Note: I chose this for the song of the day because it was in my dream last night where I won an Oscar and someone took it off my chair and I was pissed then Sheryl Crow dedicated this some to me...yeah, I have bizarre dreams. Also, my cousin was named after this song.
Song of the Day: Allison, Elvis Costello, "Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking, when I hear the silly things that you say."
Getting back to the job search. Seriously, what happened to the good ole days when you would circle a job in the NYT, fax over your resume, then get an interview? Now it's like getting into Fort Knox just to send in your resume over the interweb. Not to sound like an old geezer, but it really is frustrating.
It seems like all corporations now want you to "sign up" in order to apply for a job. This entails a 6 page process where you basically fill in all information from birthday to ethnicity. BTW, why do they ask you if you are Hispanic first then go on to ask about all other races? Isn't that weird? I can't tell if it is biased towards or against Hispanic people. Anywho, after you take 30 minutes to fill out a bunch of crap that is already on your resume, and god forbid you don't save any of it and have to start all over, then they ask you to upload a resume. I mean come on! Just ask for that in the first place you idiots! Then I have to come up with a witty cover letter? And after all that, all that hullabaloo, I get a confirmation email with a tracking number that tells me I will be called if I meet the criteria. I don't even get a person's name or number so I can harass them every day.
So basically it takes me about 45 minutes to apply for one job. That is seriously cutting into my sleep/work out/eat/shop/go out schedule. Very uncool. Can you feel my struggle now? Don't you see why I need a vacation? I know you are all with me on this one.
Off to Colorado and I hope everyone has a good Easter and Passover. Hopefully I will have a funny story or two when I get back!
Note: I chose this for the song of the day because it was in my dream last night where I won an Oscar and someone took it off my chair and I was pissed then Sheryl Crow dedicated this some to me...yeah, I have bizarre dreams. Also, my cousin was named after this song.
Song of the Day: Allison, Elvis Costello, "Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking, when I hear the silly things that you say."
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Back In The USSR
I use that title because I am not feeling that democratic today. BTW, I hope you notice that all of my blog titles are also songs...all of them. I take time and care in choosing them, so I hope you appreciate! Sorry, just a bit angry with this health care bill that is going to be passed today.
Ok, let's take ALL partisanship aside, all of the pros and cons against the health care bill off the table, and let's look at it as I see it and why it pisses me off. I'm also going to go on record that I am a Libertarian. I don't say Republican because I couldn't give a crap if two men marry, if a woman marries a toaster or if the man/woman who got pregnant decided to get an abortion. I don't care--I just don't want to pay for it!
Back to the argument at hand. My problem is this. Obama comes in when our economy is the worst that I have ever seen in my lifetime, the situation in Iraq is majorly f'd up and for the first time in my life, I actually don't have a job and care about job creation. So what does he make his number one agenda item? Health care! Seriously, it wasn't THAT bad. I think of it like someone coming into the ER for a heart attack and a doctor giving them a boob job. He is really off the mark on this.
And YES, he inherited problems from GWB who WAS an idiot, but you know what Obama...your job was to FIX IT. Boo Hoo--guess what Einstein, all presidents have to deal with the previous person's screw ups. Just like GWB had to fix all of Clinton's stupid decisions--hello Glass-Steagall act??? Wait, he didn't fix that either! See, NO president seems to fix the previous administrations problems...they just make things worse. But Obama, I thought a change was coming? You would be different. Alas, you are just like the rest of them and will probably be a one-term president if the GOP can find a candidate who can take a middle of the road approach on abortion and gay rights. Because be you cruncher or evil-rich guy, in the end, we are all pocketbook voters, and if the economy is the same as it is now, you're outta here BO!
I guess my point is that these crazy partisans on both sides are really grinding my gears. Everyone has to be labeled and no one can agree with the other side, even if they are right. Republicans are all closeted gays who oppose abortion and Democrats are all Prius-driving hippies who compost their own feces and if you are on the opposite team, you have to hate each other. Where is Nader when you need him? Or anyone else for that matter? I feel like I am on crazy pills! Honestly, where are the smart people who should be leading this country?
Mark my words: Things are going to get a whole lot worse. And it isn't because Obama is a Democrat--it's because he isn't doing his job and getting our country out of this big ol' funkadelic funk! Really, he needs to focus on creating more jobs--Jobs for someone like ME with an MBA, not more jobs on construction sites or assembly lines (although, yes they are important too.) Get the troops out of everywhere--honestly, where are the bleeding liberals on this one--and finally f'ing kill Osama Bin Laden so we can all have a big party and love each other again. Seriously, if that happened, it would be a great day in America.
Song of the Day: Born in the U.S.A., Bruce, "Born in the u.s.a., I'm a cool rocking daddy in the u.s.a"
Ok, let's take ALL partisanship aside, all of the pros and cons against the health care bill off the table, and let's look at it as I see it and why it pisses me off. I'm also going to go on record that I am a Libertarian. I don't say Republican because I couldn't give a crap if two men marry, if a woman marries a toaster or if the man/woman who got pregnant decided to get an abortion. I don't care--I just don't want to pay for it!
Back to the argument at hand. My problem is this. Obama comes in when our economy is the worst that I have ever seen in my lifetime, the situation in Iraq is majorly f'd up and for the first time in my life, I actually don't have a job and care about job creation. So what does he make his number one agenda item? Health care! Seriously, it wasn't THAT bad. I think of it like someone coming into the ER for a heart attack and a doctor giving them a boob job. He is really off the mark on this.
And YES, he inherited problems from GWB who WAS an idiot, but you know what Obama...your job was to FIX IT. Boo Hoo--guess what Einstein, all presidents have to deal with the previous person's screw ups. Just like GWB had to fix all of Clinton's stupid decisions--hello Glass-Steagall act??? Wait, he didn't fix that either! See, NO president seems to fix the previous administrations problems...they just make things worse. But Obama, I thought a change was coming? You would be different. Alas, you are just like the rest of them and will probably be a one-term president if the GOP can find a candidate who can take a middle of the road approach on abortion and gay rights. Because be you cruncher or evil-rich guy, in the end, we are all pocketbook voters, and if the economy is the same as it is now, you're outta here BO!
I guess my point is that these crazy partisans on both sides are really grinding my gears. Everyone has to be labeled and no one can agree with the other side, even if they are right. Republicans are all closeted gays who oppose abortion and Democrats are all Prius-driving hippies who compost their own feces and if you are on the opposite team, you have to hate each other. Where is Nader when you need him? Or anyone else for that matter? I feel like I am on crazy pills! Honestly, where are the smart people who should be leading this country?
Mark my words: Things are going to get a whole lot worse. And it isn't because Obama is a Democrat--it's because he isn't doing his job and getting our country out of this big ol' funkadelic funk! Really, he needs to focus on creating more jobs--Jobs for someone like ME with an MBA, not more jobs on construction sites or assembly lines (although, yes they are important too.) Get the troops out of everywhere--honestly, where are the bleeding liberals on this one--and finally f'ing kill Osama Bin Laden so we can all have a big party and love each other again. Seriously, if that happened, it would be a great day in America.
Song of the Day: Born in the U.S.A., Bruce, "Born in the u.s.a., I'm a cool rocking daddy in the u.s.a"
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
No Time
Remember that one post when I said unemployment gives you all the time in the world to do the things that you love. Well I should have added a caveat. There is potential of over-booking yourself and making so many commitments that it hinders that "fly by the seat of your pants" feeling you should get when you aren't working. For example, I made a big commitment to a charity that is not allowing me to go on a fabby trip with a friend due to an event I must attend. I feel like I am almost keeping too busy in order to compensate from being out of work. I need a vacation darn it. Also, I'm feeling sick today and TPIR is very disappointing (little old lady can't get the wheel to spin all the way around). Today is not a good day.
Ok, that was more of a rant rather than a post, so I'll re-tell a funny work story my friend told me. It's one of my favorites.
My friend had a super weird assistant who didn't do much and was very quiet. My friend, let's call her Bertha, because really, who in their 20s-30s is called Bertha, was going on maternity leave soon. Over her leave, their office was moving so she asked dumb assistant (DA) to move her things. When Bertha came back to her new cube, she noticed a few items were missing, but thought little of it. Bertha walked over to DA's cube and found her: missing calendar, note pads with a certain sports team on them, and a few pens that were clearly hers since she got them from her real estate agent. Bertha was very annoyed but didn't know what to do. I told her just to let it go...obviously this girl was weird or had some SWF thing going on.
A week passed and Bertha then noticed that DA walked in wearing a pair of shoes that looked a lot like a pair she owns. Looking under her cube, she realized that her pair of shoes was missing. Again, staying cool, Bertha looked in her home and closet, and came to the conclusion that DA took them! But how do you ask someone if they stole your shoes? Bertha asked DA, "Um, look DA, I noticed the shoes you were wearing look a lot like mine. By any chance did you accidentally take my shoes?" DA said no, and then walked away.
What I love about this story is a) how can anyone accidentally steal shoes? I mean, you know your own shoes, no? I just think that was a funny question she had to ask, and b) the nerve of DA to wear the shoes to work. That klepto had some balls to bring back the stolen goods to the scene of the crime! The worst part is...how could Bertha prove it? It's not like Nine West doesn't make a zillion pairs of the same shoe. But at the same time, Bertha knew that DA stole her shoes. She was pissed...as I would be. Needless to say, DA got pregnant, left the company and is still walking around in Bertha's shoes.
And some of you thought YOU had annoying assistants.
Song of the Day: Irreplaceable, Beyonce, "In the closet, that's my stuff. Yes, if I bought it, then please don't touch (don't touch)."
Ok, that was more of a rant rather than a post, so I'll re-tell a funny work story my friend told me. It's one of my favorites.
My friend had a super weird assistant who didn't do much and was very quiet. My friend, let's call her Bertha, because really, who in their 20s-30s is called Bertha, was going on maternity leave soon. Over her leave, their office was moving so she asked dumb assistant (DA) to move her things. When Bertha came back to her new cube, she noticed a few items were missing, but thought little of it. Bertha walked over to DA's cube and found her: missing calendar, note pads with a certain sports team on them, and a few pens that were clearly hers since she got them from her real estate agent. Bertha was very annoyed but didn't know what to do. I told her just to let it go...obviously this girl was weird or had some SWF thing going on.
A week passed and Bertha then noticed that DA walked in wearing a pair of shoes that looked a lot like a pair she owns. Looking under her cube, she realized that her pair of shoes was missing. Again, staying cool, Bertha looked in her home and closet, and came to the conclusion that DA took them! But how do you ask someone if they stole your shoes? Bertha asked DA, "Um, look DA, I noticed the shoes you were wearing look a lot like mine. By any chance did you accidentally take my shoes?" DA said no, and then walked away.
What I love about this story is a) how can anyone accidentally steal shoes? I mean, you know your own shoes, no? I just think that was a funny question she had to ask, and b) the nerve of DA to wear the shoes to work. That klepto had some balls to bring back the stolen goods to the scene of the crime! The worst part is...how could Bertha prove it? It's not like Nine West doesn't make a zillion pairs of the same shoe. But at the same time, Bertha knew that DA stole her shoes. She was pissed...as I would be. Needless to say, DA got pregnant, left the company and is still walking around in Bertha's shoes.
And some of you thought YOU had annoying assistants.
Song of the Day: Irreplaceable, Beyonce, "In the closet, that's my stuff. Yes, if I bought it, then please don't touch (don't touch)."
Monday, March 15, 2010
People Are Strange
As I mentioned before, I was looking for a way to make some cash (preferably under the table) in order to fund a few upcoming trips. I was told Craigslist was a good place to look for one-shot deals. Sometimes you can get $100 for being an extra for a day, or other times you get $50 for taking a 2-hour survey. I could definitely pull that off. Unfortunately, I did not find such jobs and stumbled into a scary world that Craiglist deems "gigs." PS- Let's use CL for Craigslist from now on.
So CL divides job categories into part time, creative, ADULT, and "ETC". I have no idea what I was thinking, but I went to ETC, first. Boy that was a bad move. I didn't want to copy the ads verbatim just in case the creeps that posted them found me, but I can assure you that these ads were 100% real and 1000% scary. Here are a few gems:
- A "Medical Student" was looking for some patients to "practice on" for a midterm exam. Sounds weird since don't med students practice on each other? Taking that fact aside, this guy then proceeded to say that the patient must a) be female and b) be comfortable with FULL NUDITY? The best part was that in addition to a measly $40, part of the compensation was a good recommendation to other med students looking for models. So you are saying I could do full frontal for some weirdo and then get a glowing letter of recommendation for other weirdos. No thank you. I mean $40???? That's at least a $5000 gig.
- Photographer needed to take pictures of parking facilities. I am assuming this is for some insurance claim or something but it just sounds very terrorist-y, no? Also $1.25 a photo? Again, no thanks.
-Finally my favorite...and I kid you not when I say I saw this ad more than once. Women needed to foot fetish parties. Gross on 1000 levels. Then I saw the compensation. 500 bones! I am being very honest when I tell you I considered it for a millisecond. Then I got a flash of the crowd, what would be going down and visually saw my rock bottom. Don't worry, I wised up pretty fast. Dang my morals and feelings of self worth! $500 could have paid for 1/2 a night at the Four Seasons in Maui!
So in sum, CL can kiss my ass. Honestly, why are there so many weirdos on your site?? I know there is an adult section, but these posts end up in all areas. Finally, just an FYI, midgets can clean up on this site. So many needed for parties and even one guy was looking for one to clean his house. To quote the talented and lovely Cindy Adams, "Only in New York kids, only in New York."
Song of the Day: Possum Kingdom, The Toadies, "Don't be afraid, I didn't mean to scare you. So help me Jesus."
So CL divides job categories into part time, creative, ADULT, and "ETC". I have no idea what I was thinking, but I went to ETC, first. Boy that was a bad move. I didn't want to copy the ads verbatim just in case the creeps that posted them found me, but I can assure you that these ads were 100% real and 1000% scary. Here are a few gems:
- A "Medical Student" was looking for some patients to "practice on" for a midterm exam. Sounds weird since don't med students practice on each other? Taking that fact aside, this guy then proceeded to say that the patient must a) be female and b) be comfortable with FULL NUDITY? The best part was that in addition to a measly $40, part of the compensation was a good recommendation to other med students looking for models. So you are saying I could do full frontal for some weirdo and then get a glowing letter of recommendation for other weirdos. No thank you. I mean $40???? That's at least a $5000 gig.
- Photographer needed to take pictures of parking facilities. I am assuming this is for some insurance claim or something but it just sounds very terrorist-y, no? Also $1.25 a photo? Again, no thanks.
-Finally my favorite...and I kid you not when I say I saw this ad more than once. Women needed to foot fetish parties. Gross on 1000 levels. Then I saw the compensation. 500 bones! I am being very honest when I tell you I considered it for a millisecond. Then I got a flash of the crowd, what would be going down and visually saw my rock bottom. Don't worry, I wised up pretty fast. Dang my morals and feelings of self worth! $500 could have paid for 1/2 a night at the Four Seasons in Maui!
So in sum, CL can kiss my ass. Honestly, why are there so many weirdos on your site?? I know there is an adult section, but these posts end up in all areas. Finally, just an FYI, midgets can clean up on this site. So many needed for parties and even one guy was looking for one to clean his house. To quote the talented and lovely Cindy Adams, "Only in New York kids, only in New York."
Song of the Day: Possum Kingdom, The Toadies, "Don't be afraid, I didn't mean to scare you. So help me Jesus."
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Just The Way You Are
So, I planned on blogging about the crazy jobs I found listed on Craigslist today, but my mom sent me an email that made me decide to leave that post for a later date.
My mom sends me a lot of lame forwards (sorry mom), but this one hit home today. Not only is it about a Golden Retriever (my favorite), who was bred to be a service dog(double adorable), but there is a certain twist in it that made me think about my life. Below is is the link. Be forewarned, there is lame country music, so just turn that off. I'm not going to bother summarizing it, so just watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGODurRfVv4
What struck me about this video, was that most of us are kinda like Ricochet. We are raised and bred to meet certain expectations, but sometimes, actually most of the time, our heart doesn't follow what we are expected to be. Just as that little dog's trainer wanted her to become a guide dog, most of our parents want us to be something. I swear, my mother will go to her grave wishing I became a doctor. Maybe it isn't your parents, but perhaps your own expectations of yourself that you hold on because you feel you have to. I know many people who have law degrees only to go on and become teachers. Heck, I have an MBA in finance from NYU and now I want to become a writer.
However, as you will see in the video, once her owner let her go follow her love of surfing, the dog was happy and went on to do amazing things...again, watch the video...it's cute. I sometimes regret taking certain jobs or not taking a certain course in college, thinking that I would be in a different place than where I am now. I get mad that I didn't know that I wanted to be a writer 10 years ago. But you know what, 10 years ago I was 22 years old and was a completely different person. And I'm sure I will be a bit different in 10 years from now.
Initially I wrote this blog to offer advice to others who are unemployed, but today I am selfishly venting and allowing myself to stop nagging myself about past decisions and to stop thinking that I have to be a "certain something" because of where I went to school or what kind of job I had. I'd like to use one of Uncle Dan's Tony Robbins-isms, "The past does not equal the future."
I think it's time to be a little adventurous and start acting on the things I write about on this blog. LA? Travel? Yes, I foresee it in the future! And I hope after all is said and done, that all my loved ones will be "proud" just like Ricochet's owner was. I know I will be proud of myself.
Wow, this was a heavy post. Tomorrow is Definitely Craigslist posting day!
I also decided to post a full song by one of my favorite lyricists, Jackson Browne. My friends make fun of me for my love of 70's music but this has been my go-to song lately and it is especially apropos to my feelings today.
Song of the Day: These Days, Jackson Browne
Well I've been out walking
I don't do that much talking these days
These days--
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to
And I had a lover
It's so hard to risk another these days
These days--
Now if I seem to be afraid
To live the life I have made in song
Well it's just that I've been losing for so long
I'll keep on moving
Things are bound to be improving these days
One of these days--
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten, my friend
Don't confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them
My mom sends me a lot of lame forwards (sorry mom), but this one hit home today. Not only is it about a Golden Retriever (my favorite), who was bred to be a service dog(double adorable), but there is a certain twist in it that made me think about my life. Below is is the link. Be forewarned, there is lame country music, so just turn that off. I'm not going to bother summarizing it, so just watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGODurRfVv4
What struck me about this video, was that most of us are kinda like Ricochet. We are raised and bred to meet certain expectations, but sometimes, actually most of the time, our heart doesn't follow what we are expected to be. Just as that little dog's trainer wanted her to become a guide dog, most of our parents want us to be something. I swear, my mother will go to her grave wishing I became a doctor. Maybe it isn't your parents, but perhaps your own expectations of yourself that you hold on because you feel you have to. I know many people who have law degrees only to go on and become teachers. Heck, I have an MBA in finance from NYU and now I want to become a writer.
However, as you will see in the video, once her owner let her go follow her love of surfing, the dog was happy and went on to do amazing things...again, watch the video...it's cute. I sometimes regret taking certain jobs or not taking a certain course in college, thinking that I would be in a different place than where I am now. I get mad that I didn't know that I wanted to be a writer 10 years ago. But you know what, 10 years ago I was 22 years old and was a completely different person. And I'm sure I will be a bit different in 10 years from now.
Initially I wrote this blog to offer advice to others who are unemployed, but today I am selfishly venting and allowing myself to stop nagging myself about past decisions and to stop thinking that I have to be a "certain something" because of where I went to school or what kind of job I had. I'd like to use one of Uncle Dan's Tony Robbins-isms, "The past does not equal the future."
I think it's time to be a little adventurous and start acting on the things I write about on this blog. LA? Travel? Yes, I foresee it in the future! And I hope after all is said and done, that all my loved ones will be "proud" just like Ricochet's owner was. I know I will be proud of myself.
Wow, this was a heavy post. Tomorrow is Definitely Craigslist posting day!
I also decided to post a full song by one of my favorite lyricists, Jackson Browne. My friends make fun of me for my love of 70's music but this has been my go-to song lately and it is especially apropos to my feelings today.
Song of the Day: These Days, Jackson Browne
Well I've been out walking
I don't do that much talking these days
These days--
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to
And I had a lover
It's so hard to risk another these days
These days--
Now if I seem to be afraid
To live the life I have made in song
Well it's just that I've been losing for so long
I'll keep on moving
Things are bound to be improving these days
One of these days--
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten, my friend
Don't confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Having been out of work for a month, I sometimes forget what day it is. However, I always know when it's Sunday. A Sunday just has a certain feel about it that not even the unemployed can escape. It's Sunday....it's Meet The Press, it's the NYT Crossword, but most importantly...it's Brunch! Brunch in New York on a Sunday is probably one of the greatest things ever. Aside from combining two meals into one, it generally revolves around good friends and longs chats. Plus, brunch gives people the ok to be drunk by 2PM. I actually can't think of one bad thing about it.
Here is my "How to Save Money While Unemployed" Tip #2. Go to brunch! Why? Because somehow brunch has a miraculous way to fill you up for the entire day, thus saving you money on lunch and dinner. For me it's not even because I eat so much. For example, I only had a quiche and some fries yesterday, but I wasn't really hungry until 8. It's not like I went to an all you can eat buffet (mmmmm...all you can eat...) Also, some of these places have great brunch specials like all you can drink mimosas and never-ending corn muffins. So basically you can eat at 1, be drunk by 4 and pass out around 8. All for the low price of $30 (this is NY after all).
Although in theory, brunch should happen every day if you are unemployed, I don't recommend it. I feel that we need to keep some rituals that we had while working, and a good brunch after a stressful week is one of them. Speaking of stress, I started looking for some "gigs" on Craigslist, just for extra money until I land a job. Tip #456 while being unemployed, never, NEVER, look for gigs on Craigslist unless you are prepared to be grossed out, appalled and also a bit intrigued. More on what I found in my next post.....
Song of the Day: Lazy Sunday, The Lonely Island, "My hunger pangs are stickin' like duct tape, let's hit up Magnolia and mack on some cupcakes."
Here is my "How to Save Money While Unemployed" Tip #2. Go to brunch! Why? Because somehow brunch has a miraculous way to fill you up for the entire day, thus saving you money on lunch and dinner. For me it's not even because I eat so much. For example, I only had a quiche and some fries yesterday, but I wasn't really hungry until 8. It's not like I went to an all you can eat buffet (mmmmm...all you can eat...) Also, some of these places have great brunch specials like all you can drink mimosas and never-ending corn muffins. So basically you can eat at 1, be drunk by 4 and pass out around 8. All for the low price of $30 (this is NY after all).
Although in theory, brunch should happen every day if you are unemployed, I don't recommend it. I feel that we need to keep some rituals that we had while working, and a good brunch after a stressful week is one of them. Speaking of stress, I started looking for some "gigs" on Craigslist, just for extra money until I land a job. Tip #456 while being unemployed, never, NEVER, look for gigs on Craigslist unless you are prepared to be grossed out, appalled and also a bit intrigued. More on what I found in my next post.....
Song of the Day: Lazy Sunday, The Lonely Island, "My hunger pangs are stickin' like duct tape, let's hit up Magnolia and mack on some cupcakes."
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Lights, Camera, Action
Ok, let's get back to Part 2 of Lana's plan for my success. We already discussed Plan A which is: become famous via scandal, so let's move on to Plan B: work the talk show circuit. One of the BIGGEST perks about being unemployed and living in NYC is that I have the time to see all of the talk shows that are taped here. Really, it is not hard to get tickets to any of them, and luckily I have a few friends that work at various shows. These shows could be helpful to my career while at the same time be a way for me to get free stuff!
Lana first thought I should do the game show circuit since I am full of useless trivia. I had to remind her that I did try out for Jeopardy in college. I got to the second round and then totally choked on the live answer portion. Plus, I don't have a cool back-story like all those neat-o Jeopardy contests who whittle in their free time or knit purses for cats.
We then looked at how I could best exploit my opportunities to attend talk shows. I could go on Dr. Oz and hopefully win a chance to be his assistant. Once I got up there, I would brazenly plug my blog. Or, I could go to Regis and Kelly and hope they pick my number for the prize of the day. Finally, I hear Rachel Ray gives out free food at her show.
I even thought that my goal to go to all of the talk shows in NYC is a story unto itself. Have you guys ever watched the local NY Fox news? Let's just say it ain't The Huntley-Brinkley Report. I could TOTALLY get on. I could see it now, "Local woman loses job, attends local talk shows, and is now in talks with Harpo for her own show"(that's Oprah's company for the men out there).
Speaking of, I of course would have to trek to Chicago for the Holy Grail of free giveaways. Actually, I just decided now that I am going to try to book tickets to go see Oprah. She is always giving her audience something. Granted, it is a major crap shoot. I could get a car or a trip to Italy or I could wind up with an autographed copy of Kirstie Alley's new book. But that is a risk I'm willing to take.
Honestly, I'm going to see how many shows I can go to. I'm already working on Regis and am trying for Rachel Ray next. I will let you know what day I go so you can DVR the show while you are working!
Song of the Day: Fame, David Bowie, "Fame, nein! It's mine!"
Lana first thought I should do the game show circuit since I am full of useless trivia. I had to remind her that I did try out for Jeopardy in college. I got to the second round and then totally choked on the live answer portion. Plus, I don't have a cool back-story like all those neat-o Jeopardy contests who whittle in their free time or knit purses for cats.
We then looked at how I could best exploit my opportunities to attend talk shows. I could go on Dr. Oz and hopefully win a chance to be his assistant. Once I got up there, I would brazenly plug my blog. Or, I could go to Regis and Kelly and hope they pick my number for the prize of the day. Finally, I hear Rachel Ray gives out free food at her show.
I even thought that my goal to go to all of the talk shows in NYC is a story unto itself. Have you guys ever watched the local NY Fox news? Let's just say it ain't The Huntley-Brinkley Report. I could TOTALLY get on. I could see it now, "Local woman loses job, attends local talk shows, and is now in talks with Harpo for her own show"(that's Oprah's company for the men out there).
Speaking of, I of course would have to trek to Chicago for the Holy Grail of free giveaways. Actually, I just decided now that I am going to try to book tickets to go see Oprah. She is always giving her audience something. Granted, it is a major crap shoot. I could get a car or a trip to Italy or I could wind up with an autographed copy of Kirstie Alley's new book. But that is a risk I'm willing to take.
Honestly, I'm going to see how many shows I can go to. I'm already working on Regis and am trying for Rachel Ray next. I will let you know what day I go so you can DVR the show while you are working!
Song of the Day: Fame, David Bowie, "Fame, nein! It's mine!"
Monday, March 1, 2010
Please Forgive Me
Guys...I need to tell you something. Promise you won't be mad, ok? Well, here it goes. I had a job interview today. Yes, YES, I know. But Laura, your blog states that "unemployment is the new employment." You tout all the benefits of being unemployed. Does that mean this blog is a sham?
The answer is no, of course not. I am merely dipping my toes in the water. I'm sorry if I disappointed you, but you knew this day would come sooner or later.
I have yet to find that money tree, nor has anyone optioned my screenplay which I have yet to finish, so I need to do something. Unless you all want to give me money. Do you? Cause I'd be cool with that.
We shall see; and of course I will keep you posted. But in the meantime, I will continue to promote how cool it is to be unemployed. Take tonight for example. Went out to dinner with friends, the check came, and I asked if I could give money. "No, way," said Jeff, "you're unemployed." So I got a free meal tonight. At least I have that going for me! Thanks again Jeff :)
Finally, here is a health tip/item that I MUST share. You know how Omega 3 acids are like the greatest thing ever for you but you can't take swallowing 3 giant pills a day that give you gross salmon burps? Well, GNC has these new chewable Omega 3s and they are so good. They taste like orange starburst. Seriously, buy them. My skin hasn't looked this off the chain in a long time.
Song of the Day: Hard to Say I'm Sorry, Chicago, " After all that we've been though, I will make it up to you. I promise to."
The answer is no, of course not. I am merely dipping my toes in the water. I'm sorry if I disappointed you, but you knew this day would come sooner or later.
I have yet to find that money tree, nor has anyone optioned my screenplay which I have yet to finish, so I need to do something. Unless you all want to give me money. Do you? Cause I'd be cool with that.
We shall see; and of course I will keep you posted. But in the meantime, I will continue to promote how cool it is to be unemployed. Take tonight for example. Went out to dinner with friends, the check came, and I asked if I could give money. "No, way," said Jeff, "you're unemployed." So I got a free meal tonight. At least I have that going for me! Thanks again Jeff :)
Finally, here is a health tip/item that I MUST share. You know how Omega 3 acids are like the greatest thing ever for you but you can't take swallowing 3 giant pills a day that give you gross salmon burps? Well, GNC has these new chewable Omega 3s and they are so good. They taste like orange starburst. Seriously, buy them. My skin hasn't looked this off the chain in a long time.
Song of the Day: Hard to Say I'm Sorry, Chicago, " After all that we've been though, I will make it up to you. I promise to."
Friday, February 26, 2010
Scandal
As I mentioned before, my friends have been so supportive during my time of unemployment. Some pick up the coffee tab, others send my resume out to a friend, while even others dole out advice for my next career move. My friend Lana, taking on the new role as "frienager"--part friend, part manager---has thoughtfully given me some wise advice on how to further my writing career. She had two interesting ideas. I'll address the first one.
She thinks that I need to become involved in a scandal in order to promote myself as a writer. This came about when I told her that Spitzer's whore is now trying to be the next Candice Bushnell. That was all she needed to hear. Using that as a jumping off point, she created an elaborate scenario where I would become the "other woman," she would tip off the paps when I would be leaving his place (so I would look FAB of course), I would give my contrite interview and then would throw in the fact that I am an aspiring writer and would hand out my writing packet to anyone who will take it.
In theory, it really is a fail-proof plan. In this society, the "other woman" gets crazy mad press just for banging some married dude. So, perhaps I would need to become infamous before I became famous on my own volition? Oh no...here comes my conscience..morals all bubbling up.
Morally, I just couldn't do it. But them I had an "ah-ha" moment that I have yet to share with Lana. I couldn't be the "other woman" but I COULD be the woman wronged. I could so play that part! The woman getting the shaft in the situation gets her fair share of press as well; and they always come out looking like the good guy, ahem, woman. Take Jenny Sanford. She wrote a book, left her husband and is doing the media circuit. Elizabeth Edwards, Elin Woods, Mary Jo Buttafuocco...the list goes on. All of these woman also received an onslaught of press coverage without having to whore themselves out at the Mayflower Hotel.
Now all I have to do is marry a governor, famous ball player, or Long Island car shop owner. Hey, isn't Harold Ford, Jr. single? Then, I would wait for them to cheat on me, turn on the water works and write the scathing tell all. I'm such a romantic. I would be guaranteed my time in the spotlight; but is this the way to go?
Hmm, hard work and dedication v. scandal in order to fulfill a dream? I am American, so obviously I should chose the latter. However, I am from German decent, so hard work and playing by the rules does flow through my veins. Plus I was raised Catholic, so in the end, my guilt would trump any of my rewards. I can always use Lana's Plan B, which I will discuss next time. I guess time will tell to see which route I chose!
Song of the Day: Evil Woman, ELO, "Ha ha woman what you gonna do, you destroyed all the virtues that the lord gave you."
She thinks that I need to become involved in a scandal in order to promote myself as a writer. This came about when I told her that Spitzer's whore is now trying to be the next Candice Bushnell. That was all she needed to hear. Using that as a jumping off point, she created an elaborate scenario where I would become the "other woman," she would tip off the paps when I would be leaving his place (so I would look FAB of course), I would give my contrite interview and then would throw in the fact that I am an aspiring writer and would hand out my writing packet to anyone who will take it.
In theory, it really is a fail-proof plan. In this society, the "other woman" gets crazy mad press just for banging some married dude. So, perhaps I would need to become infamous before I became famous on my own volition? Oh no...here comes my conscience..morals all bubbling up.
Morally, I just couldn't do it. But them I had an "ah-ha" moment that I have yet to share with Lana. I couldn't be the "other woman" but I COULD be the woman wronged. I could so play that part! The woman getting the shaft in the situation gets her fair share of press as well; and they always come out looking like the good guy, ahem, woman. Take Jenny Sanford. She wrote a book, left her husband and is doing the media circuit. Elizabeth Edwards, Elin Woods, Mary Jo Buttafuocco...the list goes on. All of these woman also received an onslaught of press coverage without having to whore themselves out at the Mayflower Hotel.
Now all I have to do is marry a governor, famous ball player, or Long Island car shop owner. Hey, isn't Harold Ford, Jr. single? Then, I would wait for them to cheat on me, turn on the water works and write the scathing tell all. I'm such a romantic. I would be guaranteed my time in the spotlight; but is this the way to go?
Hmm, hard work and dedication v. scandal in order to fulfill a dream? I am American, so obviously I should chose the latter. However, I am from German decent, so hard work and playing by the rules does flow through my veins. Plus I was raised Catholic, so in the end, my guilt would trump any of my rewards. I can always use Lana's Plan B, which I will discuss next time. I guess time will tell to see which route I chose!
Song of the Day: Evil Woman, ELO, "Ha ha woman what you gonna do, you destroyed all the virtues that the lord gave you."
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Don't Know Why
I seriously don't know why anyone would ever want to become a dentist. Obviously, there will always be a need for dentists, but I can't think of a more gross and thankless job.
For the past month, I have seen three different dentists and had over 12 appointments. You see, I have been blessed with "porous teeth." Basically I can't do anything without getting a cavity. Plus I grind my teeth like a mutha at night. Add these two together and you get a dentist's delight and a patient's nightmare. I had the mouth trifeca in Jan and Feb, where I had to have a root canal, a cavity filled and a tooth pulled.
I ask why someone would be a dentist b/c not only do you have to deal with a disgusting body part, but you also have to deal with people completely going insane when they see you. No one enjoys going to the dentist. I actually cried twice: once when the dentist hit a nerve that triggered a pain so bad that I thought I saw the devil himself and the second time when I got a shot with epinephrine (which I'm not supposed to have) and had a full blown panic attack and jumped out of the chair. Fun, right? I've been told by my dentists that they have seen far worse. So, answer me this...who wants to be seen as a nightmare by all of their patients? My dentist is the sweetest guy, but if you told me I never had to see him again, I would be super happy.
I know you are thinking there are definitely worse jobs out there. I thought of a gyno and proctologist, but a) maybe some people enjoy looking at a woman's biz-nas all day and b) rectal cancer really is a serious growing problem, so I could see how there is a light at the end of the tunnel for that job (no pun intended.) The only job that MAY be on par with a dentist is a podiatrist. I think feet are nasty...who would want to touch feet all day?
With that said, all the jobs listed above still don't invoke the white-knuckle fear most people face when told that they need to have a root canal. When I was in recovery, I heard a little girl crying for her mom, which was just heart-breaking. Who could deal with that every day? Seriously, do we have any dentists in the house? I find it odd that I have a lot of friends in many different lines of work, but I don't know of ONE person, not even a peripheral friend, who went to dental school. Are dentists doing the way of the dinosaur?
Also, here is a "Saving Money While Unemployed Tip" #276:
When at the gym, take all the free razors you can! Who cares if that woman who is always naked in the locker room is staring at you. Just do it and spend the $1.99 you saved on a Starbucks.
Song of the Day: Grillz, Nelly, "I got my mouth lookin' somethin' like a disco ball."
For the past month, I have seen three different dentists and had over 12 appointments. You see, I have been blessed with "porous teeth." Basically I can't do anything without getting a cavity. Plus I grind my teeth like a mutha at night. Add these two together and you get a dentist's delight and a patient's nightmare. I had the mouth trifeca in Jan and Feb, where I had to have a root canal, a cavity filled and a tooth pulled.
I ask why someone would be a dentist b/c not only do you have to deal with a disgusting body part, but you also have to deal with people completely going insane when they see you. No one enjoys going to the dentist. I actually cried twice: once when the dentist hit a nerve that triggered a pain so bad that I thought I saw the devil himself and the second time when I got a shot with epinephrine (which I'm not supposed to have) and had a full blown panic attack and jumped out of the chair. Fun, right? I've been told by my dentists that they have seen far worse. So, answer me this...who wants to be seen as a nightmare by all of their patients? My dentist is the sweetest guy, but if you told me I never had to see him again, I would be super happy.
I know you are thinking there are definitely worse jobs out there. I thought of a gyno and proctologist, but a) maybe some people enjoy looking at a woman's biz-nas all day and b) rectal cancer really is a serious growing problem, so I could see how there is a light at the end of the tunnel for that job (no pun intended.) The only job that MAY be on par with a dentist is a podiatrist. I think feet are nasty...who would want to touch feet all day?
With that said, all the jobs listed above still don't invoke the white-knuckle fear most people face when told that they need to have a root canal. When I was in recovery, I heard a little girl crying for her mom, which was just heart-breaking. Who could deal with that every day? Seriously, do we have any dentists in the house? I find it odd that I have a lot of friends in many different lines of work, but I don't know of ONE person, not even a peripheral friend, who went to dental school. Are dentists doing the way of the dinosaur?
Also, here is a "Saving Money While Unemployed Tip" #276:
When at the gym, take all the free razors you can! Who cares if that woman who is always naked in the locker room is staring at you. Just do it and spend the $1.99 you saved on a Starbucks.
Song of the Day: Grillz, Nelly, "I got my mouth lookin' somethin' like a disco ball."
Friday, February 19, 2010
Jesus, Etc.
On Wednesday I went to Mass for the first time in probably 10 years. I'm talking going to church for a reason other than a wedding, baptism or funeral. This past week I have been very contemplative: What should I do with my life? Where should I live? Do I or don't I like Shaun White despite his mess of hair? I needed answers! I thought maybe since God hasn't been listening to me in a while, that I needed to make a surprise visit. I am sure he was very surprised to see me there. At least the church didn't burn down when I walked in.
I can't believe how different it is to go to Mass in the city versus the suburbs. People just walk in off the street wearing their work out clothes. One woman still had her IPod on...I could hear it. People came and left as they chose. And the piece de resistance...a man was eating a granola bar next to me. I seriously had a moment of "oooh, you're going to get in trouble" since I have years of schooling with nuns under my belt. I remember I got in trouble once for letting my butt rest on the pew when I was kneeling. I can only imagine what the nuns at my school would have done!
It is amazing how automatic the prayers came back to me. I couldn't recite them out of church, but I knew them by heart when I was in there. I felt like a drone for a good hour, but as it turns out, it was exactly what I needed. After 20 minutes in, I realized I hadn't really thought about anything. My mind went blank, which is something it rarely does. I had a brief break from obsessing about my life. A friend of mine has been going to a Buddhist temple near Grand Central, and even though the ceremonies are held in Japanese, she says it just feels nice to hear people reciting the same thing, to feel like you are a part of something bigger than yourself. It is relaxing. I guess that is why they say religion is the opiate for the masses. I'll take it though, since I can't find a good Opium den anywhere above Canal street.
I guess the point of my story is not about finding God or going to church everyday, but finding a place where you can zone out for a while; especially if you are unemployed and feeling a bit claustrophobic in your apartment. Going to a place of worship can really be a great stress relief...unless...old people are involved. So concludes the rest of my "going to church" story:
I was feeling all peaceful and Zen-like until it was time to receive our ashes. People ran up to the front in a mad dash, resulting in a line around the corner. I was fine for a good 5 minutes until I heard the most annoying sound in the world. I turned around to see a toothless old man flapping his gums and licking his lips. WHY DO OLD PEOPLE DO THIS? I don't get it. Is he trying to find any remnants of teeth? I was hoping that Mr. One Foot In The Grave would eventually cut it out, but he didn't. The line wasn't moving and I was getting more annoyed by the second until I realized....Hey, I live next door to this Church. I can run home, grab a water and come back. I thought WWJD? and I definitely think Jesus would have bounced. So that is what I did. I returned to Church just as the line died down, got my ashes on, and got to walk around the rest of the night with a big black mark on my head.
Song of the Day: Running on Empty, Jackson Browne, "Everyone I know, everywhere I go, people need some reason to believe."
I can't believe how different it is to go to Mass in the city versus the suburbs. People just walk in off the street wearing their work out clothes. One woman still had her IPod on...I could hear it. People came and left as they chose. And the piece de resistance...a man was eating a granola bar next to me. I seriously had a moment of "oooh, you're going to get in trouble" since I have years of schooling with nuns under my belt. I remember I got in trouble once for letting my butt rest on the pew when I was kneeling. I can only imagine what the nuns at my school would have done!
It is amazing how automatic the prayers came back to me. I couldn't recite them out of church, but I knew them by heart when I was in there. I felt like a drone for a good hour, but as it turns out, it was exactly what I needed. After 20 minutes in, I realized I hadn't really thought about anything. My mind went blank, which is something it rarely does. I had a brief break from obsessing about my life. A friend of mine has been going to a Buddhist temple near Grand Central, and even though the ceremonies are held in Japanese, she says it just feels nice to hear people reciting the same thing, to feel like you are a part of something bigger than yourself. It is relaxing. I guess that is why they say religion is the opiate for the masses. I'll take it though, since I can't find a good Opium den anywhere above Canal street.
I guess the point of my story is not about finding God or going to church everyday, but finding a place where you can zone out for a while; especially if you are unemployed and feeling a bit claustrophobic in your apartment. Going to a place of worship can really be a great stress relief...unless...old people are involved. So concludes the rest of my "going to church" story:
I was feeling all peaceful and Zen-like until it was time to receive our ashes. People ran up to the front in a mad dash, resulting in a line around the corner. I was fine for a good 5 minutes until I heard the most annoying sound in the world. I turned around to see a toothless old man flapping his gums and licking his lips. WHY DO OLD PEOPLE DO THIS? I don't get it. Is he trying to find any remnants of teeth? I was hoping that Mr. One Foot In The Grave would eventually cut it out, but he didn't. The line wasn't moving and I was getting more annoyed by the second until I realized....Hey, I live next door to this Church. I can run home, grab a water and come back. I thought WWJD? and I definitely think Jesus would have bounced. So that is what I did. I returned to Church just as the line died down, got my ashes on, and got to walk around the rest of the night with a big black mark on my head.
Song of the Day: Running on Empty, Jackson Browne, "Everyone I know, everywhere I go, people need some reason to believe."
Sunday, February 14, 2010
LoveGame
Ok, I'll admit it. Having a job around Valentines Day is better than not having one. I am sorry for deviating from my overall theme of "unemployment is super fun," but what is the fun of getting a V-day present unless you can rub it in your co-workers' faces?
You see, V-Day isn't about romance...it's about spending money to prove how much you love someone and to let others know that. I honestly don't even really like flowers. I think they are corny, especially roses. But gosh darn it if I didn't love getting a dozen roses at my desk on V-day. Everyone makes a fuss. Who are they from? Ooh, aren't you lucky?
I remember one year my boyfriend got me an amazing bouquet, but he sent it to my apartment building. I asked him why he didn't send it to my office. He said he didn't want to "embarrass" me. "Hell no!" I exclaimed. I wanted everyone in my office to see what a loving boyfriend I had as represented by said bouquet. They would make much more of a fuss than my doorman, Elvis. Boyfriend didn't get my "logic." But you know what guys, that's how we roll.
Ladies, you may not admit it, but you KNOW I'm right. Tell me one time when you received flowers and didn't tell someone via text, twitter or FB status along with a picture. You like to keep people in the loop about your flower sitch. And when you see a gorgeous array of flowers sitting on your work reception desk, isn't there always an "ounce" of hope that they are for you? I thought so.
However, my entire argument isn't relevant this year because Valey Day fell on a Sunday, so it didn't really matter if I had a job or not. Oh, the universe works in mysterious ways. Now I have nothing to feel bad about and can go back to loving the fact I don't have to get up early tomorrow.
Happy Valentines Day!
xoxo
Laura
Song of the Day: The Power of Love, Huey Lewis and The News, "They say that all in love is fair, yeah, but you don't care."
You see, V-Day isn't about romance...it's about spending money to prove how much you love someone and to let others know that. I honestly don't even really like flowers. I think they are corny, especially roses. But gosh darn it if I didn't love getting a dozen roses at my desk on V-day. Everyone makes a fuss. Who are they from? Ooh, aren't you lucky?
I remember one year my boyfriend got me an amazing bouquet, but he sent it to my apartment building. I asked him why he didn't send it to my office. He said he didn't want to "embarrass" me. "Hell no!" I exclaimed. I wanted everyone in my office to see what a loving boyfriend I had as represented by said bouquet. They would make much more of a fuss than my doorman, Elvis. Boyfriend didn't get my "logic." But you know what guys, that's how we roll.
Ladies, you may not admit it, but you KNOW I'm right. Tell me one time when you received flowers and didn't tell someone via text, twitter or FB status along with a picture. You like to keep people in the loop about your flower sitch. And when you see a gorgeous array of flowers sitting on your work reception desk, isn't there always an "ounce" of hope that they are for you? I thought so.
However, my entire argument isn't relevant this year because Valey Day fell on a Sunday, so it didn't really matter if I had a job or not. Oh, the universe works in mysterious ways. Now I have nothing to feel bad about and can go back to loving the fact I don't have to get up early tomorrow.
Happy Valentines Day!
xoxo
Laura
Song of the Day: The Power of Love, Huey Lewis and The News, "They say that all in love is fair, yeah, but you don't care."
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The Weight
Bonus #38 when you are unemployed: you lose weight!
There are actual studies that show that people who are less stressed and get more sleep tend to lose weight without changing their eating habits. Since I am now sans stress and have an abundance of sleep under my belt, I am shedding those lbs!
I firmly believe that sleep cures all. For example: I have been at my parents' house all week since I had a tooth pulled. I've been on a liquid diet; which for me includes baby food, ice cream and mashed potatoes. I am so carb over-loaded that I would give anything to chew on a piece of lettuce. I thought I had gained at least 5 lbs. I weighed myself today...down 3 pounds! And I didn't even exercise (Please ignore this Kelvin). What I did do this week was relax, sleep, relax some more, watch TV and sleep. Bam! Down three pounds.
The only diet that ever worked for me was the break-up diet. Yes, I am one of the lucky ones who actually doesn't eat after a break-up. But trust me, this way works much better and is so much less hurt-y. If you are unemployed, take the sleep and rest challenge. I bet you will be down at least 5 pounds in a month. If you're employed and overweight, well it seems to me that your only logical and practical option is to quit your job and sleep for a few weeks. Hey! Maybe I WOULD make a great life-coach!
PS- does anyone else have a certain word that they can never spell right on the first go? I have two: License and exercise. I always have to think twice about those. Thank you Jesuit education!
Song of the Day: Sexy Bitch, David Guetta, "She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before. Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood ho."
There are actual studies that show that people who are less stressed and get more sleep tend to lose weight without changing their eating habits. Since I am now sans stress and have an abundance of sleep under my belt, I am shedding those lbs!
I firmly believe that sleep cures all. For example: I have been at my parents' house all week since I had a tooth pulled. I've been on a liquid diet; which for me includes baby food, ice cream and mashed potatoes. I am so carb over-loaded that I would give anything to chew on a piece of lettuce. I thought I had gained at least 5 lbs. I weighed myself today...down 3 pounds! And I didn't even exercise (Please ignore this Kelvin). What I did do this week was relax, sleep, relax some more, watch TV and sleep. Bam! Down three pounds.
The only diet that ever worked for me was the break-up diet. Yes, I am one of the lucky ones who actually doesn't eat after a break-up. But trust me, this way works much better and is so much less hurt-y. If you are unemployed, take the sleep and rest challenge. I bet you will be down at least 5 pounds in a month. If you're employed and overweight, well it seems to me that your only logical and practical option is to quit your job and sleep for a few weeks. Hey! Maybe I WOULD make a great life-coach!
PS- does anyone else have a certain word that they can never spell right on the first go? I have two: License and exercise. I always have to think twice about those. Thank you Jesuit education!
Song of the Day: Sexy Bitch, David Guetta, "She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before. Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood ho."
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Let It Snow
Hey Guys...it's snowing up in here! Per the NYC news, we are now in "The Blizzard of 2010!" I'm actually in New Jersey (I needed to go to the dentist), so I am fortunate enough to be holed up at my parent's with my cousin and grandma. It's a party!!
And when I say party, I mean my cousin and I are making fun of my mother following the storm.
She is FIXATED with snow. I had the nerve to talk during the 24-hour news coverage and got shushed. Why? Because they were giving NJ Transit updates. Why she should care about public transportation when she has no where to go? I have no idea.
Then the comments start. She comments on all the towns they show, "Oh, it looks pretty there." Then she comments on the people they interview "Look at that A-hole jogging, what an A-hole" or " Oh, she's an idiot for not wearing gloves. What an idiot."
Next comes a check on the weather outside. She sees our neighbors shoveling their drive way and she gets pissed. "Why are they shoveling now? They just have to shovel more later. They're such A-holes."
Then, back to watching the news.
It really is an amusing cycle to watch. Or maybe it is to me b/c the dentist gave me Vicodin and I'm a little loopy just from half a pill.
Honestly, I really don't like Vicodin. It makes me throw up (TMI-sorry) and all dizzy. I don't understand why people would voluntarily take them. With that said, anyone want to buy some Vicodin from me? $10 a pill. (That's a joke Mr. Government DEA Agency person).
Quick PS- My blog just passed the 300 hit mark! I know it's very small, but that news makes me happy. I'm glad someone is reading!
Song of the Day: Mother's Little Helper, The Rolling Stones, "Doctor Please, some more of these. Outside the door, she took four more. What a drag it is getting old."
And when I say party, I mean my cousin and I are making fun of my mother following the storm.
She is FIXATED with snow. I had the nerve to talk during the 24-hour news coverage and got shushed. Why? Because they were giving NJ Transit updates. Why she should care about public transportation when she has no where to go? I have no idea.
Then the comments start. She comments on all the towns they show, "Oh, it looks pretty there." Then she comments on the people they interview "Look at that A-hole jogging, what an A-hole" or " Oh, she's an idiot for not wearing gloves. What an idiot."
Next comes a check on the weather outside. She sees our neighbors shoveling their drive way and she gets pissed. "Why are they shoveling now? They just have to shovel more later. They're such A-holes."
Then, back to watching the news.
It really is an amusing cycle to watch. Or maybe it is to me b/c the dentist gave me Vicodin and I'm a little loopy just from half a pill.
Honestly, I really don't like Vicodin. It makes me throw up (TMI-sorry) and all dizzy. I don't understand why people would voluntarily take them. With that said, anyone want to buy some Vicodin from me? $10 a pill. (That's a joke Mr. Government DEA Agency person).
Quick PS- My blog just passed the 300 hit mark! I know it's very small, but that news makes me happy. I'm glad someone is reading!
Song of the Day: Mother's Little Helper, The Rolling Stones, "Doctor Please, some more of these. Outside the door, she took four more. What a drag it is getting old."
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Day Seventeen- No Sleep Til Brooklyn
Dedicated to Kristin:
Here's another handy-dandy tip to all those without a job right now. Try, Try, TRY to keep a normal sleeping pattern. It only takes one late nap and you'll wind up keeping vampire hours. One afternoon after hot yoga, I took a nice cold shower and BAM..fell sleep at 6PM and woke up at 10PM. That was it. For the next week I was sleeping until 2PM and going to bed at 5AM.
It was during my bout with insomnia that discovered something rather disturbing about late night television. I realized that based on the ads running during the hours of 2-5AM, the majority of people watching TV at this time are probably underweight pedophiles or pervs. How did I come to this mind-blowing conclusion? Well, the entire week I was up, there were three commercials that ran on repeat. The ads either promoted superhuman strength or naked underage girls. Doesn't sound like a market for women, does it?
The first ad was for a contraption sold by that Body By Jake Guy (Wasn't he in Saved By The Bell: The College Years?) It was some weird bar that you put on your door for pull ups. Ingenious!
Then, of course, we had the "Girls Gone Wild" videos. A) It makes me ill that Joe Francis is a gazillionaire because of this and B) I really feel bad for those girls...it's just sad. Also, I love the intro line of, "Do you like breasts?" Who was the ad wizard that came up with that one?
Finally, we go back to another fitness regime that is like that P90X thing. Except this is called "The Insanity Workout." Everything was INSANE...you get insane abs, insane arms...you get the point. I decided that probably most of the people watching TV this early in the morning were insane. What next? Ads for "Used White Vans" or "Lime By the Pound."
To any of my friends in advertising: what is the key demo of TV viewers during 1-6AM? Is it puny men, interested in underage girls, looking to bulk up? Do any women watch TV at this time? Not a tampon ad in sight I tell ya!
I soon decided that I didn't want to be lumped in with this creepy demo and I needed to get back to real world time, STAT. So, I went to my parents this week, took a few Advil PM, and got back to a nice 12-10AM routine. Now I can wake up and see all the diet food and jewelery ads that I was meant to watch!
PS- Thanks Marissa for making me re-read The Secret.
Song of the Day: Mind Playin Tricks on Me, Geto Boyz, "I sit alone in my four-cornered room, staring at candles."
Here's another handy-dandy tip to all those without a job right now. Try, Try, TRY to keep a normal sleeping pattern. It only takes one late nap and you'll wind up keeping vampire hours. One afternoon after hot yoga, I took a nice cold shower and BAM..fell sleep at 6PM and woke up at 10PM. That was it. For the next week I was sleeping until 2PM and going to bed at 5AM.
It was during my bout with insomnia that discovered something rather disturbing about late night television. I realized that based on the ads running during the hours of 2-5AM, the majority of people watching TV at this time are probably underweight pedophiles or pervs. How did I come to this mind-blowing conclusion? Well, the entire week I was up, there were three commercials that ran on repeat. The ads either promoted superhuman strength or naked underage girls. Doesn't sound like a market for women, does it?
The first ad was for a contraption sold by that Body By Jake Guy (Wasn't he in Saved By The Bell: The College Years?) It was some weird bar that you put on your door for pull ups. Ingenious!
Then, of course, we had the "Girls Gone Wild" videos. A) It makes me ill that Joe Francis is a gazillionaire because of this and B) I really feel bad for those girls...it's just sad. Also, I love the intro line of, "Do you like breasts?" Who was the ad wizard that came up with that one?
Finally, we go back to another fitness regime that is like that P90X thing. Except this is called "The Insanity Workout." Everything was INSANE...you get insane abs, insane arms...you get the point. I decided that probably most of the people watching TV this early in the morning were insane. What next? Ads for "Used White Vans" or "Lime By the Pound."
To any of my friends in advertising: what is the key demo of TV viewers during 1-6AM? Is it puny men, interested in underage girls, looking to bulk up? Do any women watch TV at this time? Not a tampon ad in sight I tell ya!
I soon decided that I didn't want to be lumped in with this creepy demo and I needed to get back to real world time, STAT. So, I went to my parents this week, took a few Advil PM, and got back to a nice 12-10AM routine. Now I can wake up and see all the diet food and jewelery ads that I was meant to watch!
PS- Thanks Marissa for making me re-read The Secret.
Song of the Day: Mind Playin Tricks on Me, Geto Boyz, "I sit alone in my four-cornered room, staring at candles."
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Day Sixteen- Supermodel (You Better Work)
Ahhh, nothing is more comforting than sipping tea in your parents house...snow on the ground outside, and watching marathon episodes of America's Next Top Model. I really think this show should be on Channel 13 b/c it really is educational. Tyra teaches me to "smile with my eyes." Mr. Jay (not to be confused with Miss J) shows me how to keep my chin up and elongate my body when I am being photographed. But do you know what I really learned today? That our unemployment rate should seriously be zero b/c obviously any numbskull (love that word) can get paid to basically do anything. Don't believe me? Well, let me introduce you to the "Swirl Twins"
The Swirl Twins, or as I just found out via google, Ron and Richard Harris, are a pair of burly men who teach people how to SPIN IN A CIRCLE FOR A LIVING. Tyra had them on to teach the girls how to "twirl" on the runway. I really wish I could find a clip of this on youtube, but basically these guys do a twirl, then the girls copy them. I bet they pulled at least $5000 for that, right?
And then, we have runway coach and diva extraordinaire, Miss Jay (See Photo). Miss Jay gets paid to teach girls how to walk down a runway. I must say, he does have a killer walk and legs for miles, but really??? This is a job?
Ok people, think of something, ANYTHING, and start getting paid for it. Below are a few ideas to get you going.
Pet Psychic--People get paid to do this. Why can't I?
Baby Masseuse- Yep, another real job.
Pigeon Whisperer- How I can help get rid of those nasty pigeons on your ledges.
Professional Annoyer- Hire me to annoy that special someone in your life.
Refrigerator Feng Shui Master- You aren't losing weight because your vegatables are mixing in with your leftover lagansa--major chi blockage!
Song of the Day: On Our Own, Bobby Brown, "You want somethin' done? You gotta do it yourself."
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Day Fifteen- Family Affair
Yes, I've neglected my blog and got yelled at for it...by my mother.
My mother, who initially wanted no part in my writing ambitions, has apparently now become my manager and editor. I was told today that I better write something soon or people will lose interest (true). She also hopes her friends don't get mad that she sent them a link to a blog I don't update (maybe true?) Is that true my mom's friends??
Here are a few other notes I've received from my mother:
- Laura, your writing is too verbose. People don't have time to read a long blog. Make it shorter. You know, I was the editor of my high school yearbook.
- Laura, your use of the F word is crass and lazy. That word is not needed to make anything funny.
Well, you know what? My mom is f'ing right! I think these notes can be applied to all things in life, no?
Write/Talk succinctly and don't use the F-bomb.
Song of the Day: Dear Mamma, Tupac, "You are appreciated, don't cha know we love ya?"
PS- My Uncle thinks my songs of the day are lame. Well, F you Uncle Dan! Mom, is that in poor taste?
My mother, who initially wanted no part in my writing ambitions, has apparently now become my manager and editor. I was told today that I better write something soon or people will lose interest (true). She also hopes her friends don't get mad that she sent them a link to a blog I don't update (maybe true?) Is that true my mom's friends??
Here are a few other notes I've received from my mother:
- Laura, your writing is too verbose. People don't have time to read a long blog. Make it shorter. You know, I was the editor of my high school yearbook.
- Laura, your use of the F word is crass and lazy. That word is not needed to make anything funny.
Well, you know what? My mom is f'ing right! I think these notes can be applied to all things in life, no?
Write/Talk succinctly and don't use the F-bomb.
Song of the Day: Dear Mamma, Tupac, "You are appreciated, don't cha know we love ya?"
PS- My Uncle thinks my songs of the day are lame. Well, F you Uncle Dan! Mom, is that in poor taste?
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Day Eleven- (Don't Fear) the Reaper
You know how some Inuit Tribes send their elders out to sea on an iceberg to die? Well, I think those icebergs take a wrong turn at Albuquerque (you're welcome Bugs Bunny fans) and end up at the Boat Basin on the UWS. You "workers of the day" don't tend to see them. But walk around my neighborhood on a Friday around 1PM and you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an old person (note: can anyone tell me where that saying originated?)
Anywho, it's not a secret to my friends or family that I am not fond of the concept of getting old. It has nothing to do with vanity. I just don't want to end up like so many of the old people on my block: cranky, smelly, and not afraid to knock you down with their Jazzies in Fairway.
I apologize to my abundant over 80 demo, but most of ya'll that I see in the city are just rude and obnoxious...and I think you know it! Deep down, you know that since you are of a "certain age," no one is going to say anything to you.
Please to enjoy the following episode I witnessed today:
Open on LAURA walking down the street. An ELDERLY WOMAN, with no less than 5 plastic bags in her hand, stops a YOUNG MAN on the street. The young man is obviously challenged and is wearing the same headphones as the "frank and beans" brother in Something about Mary.
WOMAN: (hits the young man...rather hard) Hey, You! You annoyed me on the bus yesterday.
(beat)
WOMAN: You just wouldn't shut up!
MAN: (not realizing she is mad at him) Oh yeah, I like to sing.
WOMAN: Well, you sing like hell. You can't carry a tune.
Young man is a little confused and Laura feels the urge to intervene b/c she is cringing at this situation. The woman continues.
WOMAN: Yeah, I was thinking to myself. Does this kid think he's black? Because he isn't and can't sing.
MAN: I like to sing.
Laura decides to move on b/c obviously this is taking a dark turn.
BLACKOUT.
I mean seriously people. Did this old lady NOT realize this poor kid was mentally challenged? I was so angry, but if I said something she probably would have bit me with her dentures or pummelled me with moth balls. All I am saying is what gives old people the right to be mean and nasty? You shouldn't get special passes just because you put tennis balls on the bottom of your walkers (you NYC'ers know what I'm talkin about.)
You know why I think she was cranky? B/C she never put together a dream board and therefore lived a dull, unfulfilled life (reference my last post--read them all!!!!!!)
Song of the Day: You Never Know, Wilco, "Come on, children; you're acting like children. Every generation thinks it's the end of the world.
Anywho, it's not a secret to my friends or family that I am not fond of the concept of getting old. It has nothing to do with vanity. I just don't want to end up like so many of the old people on my block: cranky, smelly, and not afraid to knock you down with their Jazzies in Fairway.
I apologize to my abundant over 80 demo, but most of ya'll that I see in the city are just rude and obnoxious...and I think you know it! Deep down, you know that since you are of a "certain age," no one is going to say anything to you.
Please to enjoy the following episode I witnessed today:
Open on LAURA walking down the street. An ELDERLY WOMAN, with no less than 5 plastic bags in her hand, stops a YOUNG MAN on the street. The young man is obviously challenged and is wearing the same headphones as the "frank and beans" brother in Something about Mary.
WOMAN: (hits the young man...rather hard) Hey, You! You annoyed me on the bus yesterday.
(beat)
WOMAN: You just wouldn't shut up!
MAN: (not realizing she is mad at him) Oh yeah, I like to sing.
WOMAN: Well, you sing like hell. You can't carry a tune.
Young man is a little confused and Laura feels the urge to intervene b/c she is cringing at this situation. The woman continues.
WOMAN: Yeah, I was thinking to myself. Does this kid think he's black? Because he isn't and can't sing.
MAN: I like to sing.
Laura decides to move on b/c obviously this is taking a dark turn.
BLACKOUT.
I mean seriously people. Did this old lady NOT realize this poor kid was mentally challenged? I was so angry, but if I said something she probably would have bit me with her dentures or pummelled me with moth balls. All I am saying is what gives old people the right to be mean and nasty? You shouldn't get special passes just because you put tennis balls on the bottom of your walkers (you NYC'ers know what I'm talkin about.)
You know why I think she was cranky? B/C she never put together a dream board and therefore lived a dull, unfulfilled life (reference my last post--read them all!!!!!!)
Song of the Day: You Never Know, Wilco, "Come on, children; you're acting like children. Every generation thinks it's the end of the world.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Day Ten- Here I Go Again
Technically, I am behind a day on my blog, so my OCD is making me catch up and write another post today.
To NYC: Did anyone smell Kool-Aid tonight? I have my window open since I live in a sauna, and I got a whiff of something equivalent to someone opening a red Kool-Aid Packet..or a cherry Jello Packet. It lasted a good 5 minutes. Anyone? Anyone else smell it? We may have another Maple Syrup incident on our hands here.
Oh, and my neighbors are currently hosting a party with some dude playing the guitar. Yes, I think I hear "The Boxer." I thought they couldn't get any more annoying, but they just did. I hate them so much! Hate! I need ideas on how to secretly taunt them...help!
Song of the Day: Ya Mamma, The Pharcyde, "Ya mamma got a glass eye with the fish in it."
To NYC: Did anyone smell Kool-Aid tonight? I have my window open since I live in a sauna, and I got a whiff of something equivalent to someone opening a red Kool-Aid Packet..or a cherry Jello Packet. It lasted a good 5 minutes. Anyone? Anyone else smell it? We may have another Maple Syrup incident on our hands here.
Oh, and my neighbors are currently hosting a party with some dude playing the guitar. Yes, I think I hear "The Boxer." I thought they couldn't get any more annoying, but they just did. I hate them so much! Hate! I need ideas on how to secretly taunt them...help!
Song of the Day: Ya Mamma, The Pharcyde, "Ya mamma got a glass eye with the fish in it."
Day Nine- Daydream Believer
Just re-read The Secret. Thinking about my “dream board.” I know many people make fun of The Secret, but I truly believe in the one underlying principle it teaches: The Law of Attraction. It makes perfect sense: what you put out, you get in return. To get all scientific on your ass, we are essentially balls of energy… so wouldn’t it make sense that we attract the same energies we put out?
The point of a dream board is to put up pictures, words or items that represent what you want to obtain in life. Once you start focusing on this board, your thoughts and energy will become more devoted to obtaining these items or goals. I started one last year and one thing DID happen, but now it is sitting in my parent's closet, so I need to start a new one.
Or so I thought! You see, I was rummaging through the attic and came across a poem and a collage from about 4th grade. It was essentially my first dream board! The collage is comprised of such words as: Party, Beach, Movies, Hollywood, Malibu, Weird, Shore and Clothes. There are some pictures of the beach, movie posters and some blonde cheerleader.
Just as a reference, I am contemplating moving to LA (have wanted to move for a while) to pursue writing, but some people just don’t think I would like it there…hmmm. I thought, “See, I knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted to be since I was 10. Why am I not doing this?!” Yeah, yeah, I know; if everyone followed their childhood dreams we’d all be fireman, ballerinas or strippers. My point today is: Maybe what you really want is something you’ve put away for so long that you forgot. Think hard about what really makes you happy—some dreams don’t get old even though we do.
Oh, the poem? You really want to read it? OK. It is entitled “I Am” and it earned an “A” along with a “Beautiful” from the teacher.
I AM
I pretend I am a famous actress
I feel excited as I win my first Academy Award (I like how I specified “first”)
I touch the clouds (okaaay?)
I worry about nuclear war (I used to be a pacifist!)
I cry at sad movies
I am a fun-loving girl who loves the sea shore
Eat it Wordsworth!
Song of the Day: Ain’t Wastin Time No More, The Allman Brothers Band, “You don’t need no gypsy to tell you why, You can’t let one precious day slip by. Look inside yourself.”
The point of a dream board is to put up pictures, words or items that represent what you want to obtain in life. Once you start focusing on this board, your thoughts and energy will become more devoted to obtaining these items or goals. I started one last year and one thing DID happen, but now it is sitting in my parent's closet, so I need to start a new one.
Or so I thought! You see, I was rummaging through the attic and came across a poem and a collage from about 4th grade. It was essentially my first dream board! The collage is comprised of such words as: Party, Beach, Movies, Hollywood, Malibu, Weird, Shore and Clothes. There are some pictures of the beach, movie posters and some blonde cheerleader.
Just as a reference, I am contemplating moving to LA (have wanted to move for a while) to pursue writing, but some people just don’t think I would like it there…hmmm. I thought, “See, I knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted to be since I was 10. Why am I not doing this?!” Yeah, yeah, I know; if everyone followed their childhood dreams we’d all be fireman, ballerinas or strippers. My point today is: Maybe what you really want is something you’ve put away for so long that you forgot. Think hard about what really makes you happy—some dreams don’t get old even though we do.
Oh, the poem? You really want to read it? OK. It is entitled “I Am” and it earned an “A” along with a “Beautiful” from the teacher.
I AM
I pretend I am a famous actress
I feel excited as I win my first Academy Award (I like how I specified “first”)
I touch the clouds (okaaay?)
I worry about nuclear war (I used to be a pacifist!)
I cry at sad movies
I am a fun-loving girl who loves the sea shore
Eat it Wordsworth!
Song of the Day: Ain’t Wastin Time No More, The Allman Brothers Band, “You don’t need no gypsy to tell you why, You can’t let one precious day slip by. Look inside yourself.”
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Day Eight- Magic Man
Mistake #1: Walking in Bergdorf Goodman. Mistake #2: Walking past the bag sale.
It was then that I saw him. A 6’5 Adonis, with thick scruffed-up blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. I think I may have said “Dayum” a little too loud because the woman in front of me turned around. I mean this guy wasn’t pretty boy hot; he was Paul Newman/Robert Redford in their prime hot. He definitely had a manly quality about him although he was wearing that silky grey suit uniform for Bergdorfs. I know what ya’ll are thinking…gay, so get over it girl.
He came right over to me (probably because he smelled an easy victim) and asked if I needed help. His voice was like a George Clooney-esque angel. I really think I stared at him in awe for a good minute before I said, “No, thanks.” This guy was so hot that I even contemplated asking him out…because I knew I didn’t have a chance in hell. He was either: a) gay or b) so out of my league, it would simply amuse him that I asked him out.
As I was perusing the Tods bag on sale, he came over and noticed my bag. “Oh, that was from our line a few years back.” Ok, gay. But maybe not? Maybe an out of work actor who knows his Tods? Either way, he had me under his spell. I broke down and bought the darn bag. However in my defense, it was on sale AND I had a gift card from Christmas, so it didn’t cost me anything. This brings me to tip #88 on “How to save money while unemployed.”
Ladies! Do not, I repeat, do not venture into the handbag section of Bergdorfs unless you are prepared to buy something. Let me rephrase…you can go to the back section with the Gucci and the YSL, but I warn you, do NOT go near that Tods section. For you will see him, and a spell WILL be cast and then Poof!...you are out $800 bones. You have been warned.
PS- If anyone does know about this God of whom I speak…what’s his deal? Gay? Dating a supermodel? Tell him I love him!!
Song of the Day: Shoop, Salt-N-Pepa, “Don’t know how you do the voodoo that you do so well it’s a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop shoop.”
It was then that I saw him. A 6’5 Adonis, with thick scruffed-up blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. I think I may have said “Dayum” a little too loud because the woman in front of me turned around. I mean this guy wasn’t pretty boy hot; he was Paul Newman/Robert Redford in their prime hot. He definitely had a manly quality about him although he was wearing that silky grey suit uniform for Bergdorfs. I know what ya’ll are thinking…gay, so get over it girl.
He came right over to me (probably because he smelled an easy victim) and asked if I needed help. His voice was like a George Clooney-esque angel. I really think I stared at him in awe for a good minute before I said, “No, thanks.” This guy was so hot that I even contemplated asking him out…because I knew I didn’t have a chance in hell. He was either: a) gay or b) so out of my league, it would simply amuse him that I asked him out.
As I was perusing the Tods bag on sale, he came over and noticed my bag. “Oh, that was from our line a few years back.” Ok, gay. But maybe not? Maybe an out of work actor who knows his Tods? Either way, he had me under his spell. I broke down and bought the darn bag. However in my defense, it was on sale AND I had a gift card from Christmas, so it didn’t cost me anything. This brings me to tip #88 on “How to save money while unemployed.”
Ladies! Do not, I repeat, do not venture into the handbag section of Bergdorfs unless you are prepared to buy something. Let me rephrase…you can go to the back section with the Gucci and the YSL, but I warn you, do NOT go near that Tods section. For you will see him, and a spell WILL be cast and then Poof!...you are out $800 bones. You have been warned.
PS- If anyone does know about this God of whom I speak…what’s his deal? Gay? Dating a supermodel? Tell him I love him!!
Song of the Day: Shoop, Salt-N-Pepa, “Don’t know how you do the voodoo that you do so well it’s a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop shoop.”
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Day Seven- Rainy Days and Mondays
I woke up today at 10AM in a panic. “I’m late for work! I need to email my boss! Did I have any meetings today?” Then I realized that I don’t have a job anymore and calmed down for a minute. Then the panic set in again. “Oh my God, I have been out of work for a week! Suppose I end up homeless? Where would I live? Will the bums who sleep on my church steps accept me as one of their own?”
Upon realizing that I had been out of work for a week, I went back into my usual worry mode. I am actually surprised that I lasted this long. I know it is ironic to post this on a blog that touts the pros of unemployment, but I want all of my fellow non-workers to know: Although you have to try and remain positive, you WILL have crazy, panic moments. My advice to you is to accept the panic. Have a full blown freak out for 10 minutes…but then let it pass. It can be hard, trust me. This is coming from a person who still holds a grudge against someone from the 5th grade. I don’t let things go.
What I do know is that worrying about finding a job is not going to help you find one. It’s ok to take a day to just relax, not focus on your job search and be in that funk. Taking that day will actually make you feel more motivated to get back in the saddle the next day. So order in a pizza, watch some Lifetime or read a funny book... especially on a gross rainy Monday like this.
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Song of the Day: Monday,Monday, The Mamas and The Papas, “Monday, Monday..can’t trust that day.”
Upon realizing that I had been out of work for a week, I went back into my usual worry mode. I am actually surprised that I lasted this long. I know it is ironic to post this on a blog that touts the pros of unemployment, but I want all of my fellow non-workers to know: Although you have to try and remain positive, you WILL have crazy, panic moments. My advice to you is to accept the panic. Have a full blown freak out for 10 minutes…but then let it pass. It can be hard, trust me. This is coming from a person who still holds a grudge against someone from the 5th grade. I don’t let things go.
What I do know is that worrying about finding a job is not going to help you find one. It’s ok to take a day to just relax, not focus on your job search and be in that funk. Taking that day will actually make you feel more motivated to get back in the saddle the next day. So order in a pizza, watch some Lifetime or read a funny book... especially on a gross rainy Monday like this.
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Song of the Day: Monday,Monday, The Mamas and The Papas, “Monday, Monday..can’t trust that day.”
Monday, January 25, 2010
Day Six- Shut Up
If people whistle when they are happy, why do I cringe in anger every time someone is loudly whistling on the train or on the street? I don't feel happy when I hear someone whistling. When someone is walking behind me, whistling like they don't have a care in the world, I want to turn around and punch them in the larynx. Am I jealous of their "devil may care" attitude or is it just plain fucking annoying?
Yep, that's about it for today.
Song of the Day Wu-Tang Ain't Nuthing Ta F'wit, Wu-Tang Clan, "And if you want beef, then bring the ruckus."
Yep, that's about it for today.
Song of the Day Wu-Tang Ain't Nuthing Ta F'wit, Wu-Tang Clan, "And if you want beef, then bring the ruckus."
Day Five- Saturday In The Park
How gorgeous was today?? Got a nice run in the park and ran some errands. Just a great day in general with a fun night out. Which brings me to the first part in my 146-Part Series, "How to Save Money While Unemployed." Now, this is pretty mind blowing and innovative; but if you have an open mind, I guarantee you will thank me for it.
Ready? Tip #1: Take the subway instead of a cab at night. Yes, that's right..at night! I like taking the subway during the day (it's faster, cheaper, and more fun to people watch) but for some reason, I always thought that after 10PM, the subway system travels back to 1975 when there was graffiti on the walls and no air conditioning. I know- so irrational right? On Saturday, I took the subway at 9PM down to the WV for $2.25 and got there in 10 minutes. I left the bar around 1AM and took the train back. To my surprise, the station was filled with people... not empty except for a shady looking homeless person staring at me in the corner like I expected. So instead of paying $25 in cab fare, I paid $2.25 x 2 for my round trip on the subway. I was pleased.
Think this tip is obvious? Well, why do we still need Oprah to tell us that fast food is bad for us and that Dr. Oz is the man? We already know this as fact! Why are there a zillion fitness magazines telling us the same thing: that walking is good for us? Duh! So, just as we re-read to death all this information that is already so blatantly obvious, I reiterate: taking the subway at night saves you money. Also, sleeping and drinking water are surprisingly beneficial to your health! I was so misguided in thinking that all you needed was a good ole' three-day coke and vodka bender to get you feeling refreshed and healthy!
Song of the Day What a Fool Believes, The Doobie Brothers, "But what a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away."
Ready? Tip #1: Take the subway instead of a cab at night. Yes, that's right..at night! I like taking the subway during the day (it's faster, cheaper, and more fun to people watch) but for some reason, I always thought that after 10PM, the subway system travels back to 1975 when there was graffiti on the walls and no air conditioning. I know- so irrational right? On Saturday, I took the subway at 9PM down to the WV for $2.25 and got there in 10 minutes. I left the bar around 1AM and took the train back. To my surprise, the station was filled with people... not empty except for a shady looking homeless person staring at me in the corner like I expected. So instead of paying $25 in cab fare, I paid $2.25 x 2 for my round trip on the subway. I was pleased.
Think this tip is obvious? Well, why do we still need Oprah to tell us that fast food is bad for us and that Dr. Oz is the man? We already know this as fact! Why are there a zillion fitness magazines telling us the same thing: that walking is good for us? Duh! So, just as we re-read to death all this information that is already so blatantly obvious, I reiterate: taking the subway at night saves you money. Also, sleeping and drinking water are surprisingly beneficial to your health! I was so misguided in thinking that all you needed was a good ole' three-day coke and vodka bender to get you feeling refreshed and healthy!
Song of the Day What a Fool Believes, The Doobie Brothers, "But what a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away."
Friday, January 22, 2010
Day Four- Hey Ladies
This entry is for all the ladies out there. Ladies, I can NOT stress this enough. Start an emergency fund NOW. You never know what will happen. You may lose your job. Your husband may lose his job. Your father may marry the living-equivalent of Anna Nicole Smith and you will lose your inheritance. Whatever it may be, you need to be prepared. Of course what I am talking about is that you need to keep your CCBB no matter what may come. You know: your cutter, colorist, brow lady and bikini waxer. I’m sorry, but none of these people should ever be compromised should you fall on hard times. Food? Go to Gray’s Papaya. Sick? Take a Benadryl. But beauty maintenance? Don’t ever compromise. That is why I am telling you now. Save at least $5,000 for an emergency beauty fund.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I am not like some of my friends who have found a “great stylist” at a Paul Labreque. I don’t have a brow lady in Chinatown that charges $5.00. I’m just not that fortunate. Unfortunately, I go to a woman who plucks my brows for $75….and it is worth every penny (note on her later).
I guess to stress the seriousness of good up-keep, I need to relate a sad, personal story. One that has come to be known as the “Flo-Hen” incident. You see, about 5 years ago I had a very important date. He was an ex…a first love. If we connected, it would be like a fairy tale ending. So what did I do? I thought I would save a few bucks and get my hair cut at a place around the corner from where I lived. I’ll spare you all the details, but I ended up with a stylized female mullet, like one sported by Florence Henderson in the early Brady Years. I went to my friend’s house and cried and cried. With the magic of some bobby pins, I finally could bring myself outside. I had a Flo-Hen…no party in the back or the front. Just a head full of sadness.
My date with said ex was fun, and although we had a few subsequent dates, there was no fairy tale ending. He is now happily married and I have learned to never stray on my stylist again. Did our story end because of a bad haircut? I like to believe so. After all, it is better to blame someone else than yourself for a break up, no?
Note: Christine, who does my eyebrows, was recommended to me about 10 years ago by a fabulous friend. I had my first appointment with her and found out…she had an EXTRA THUMB? I mean, who doesn’t tell you that??? I was bugged out to no end. If I were sending a friend to someone with an extra appendage, I would certainly mention it…wouldn’t you? She has since had it removed, but I always think of her creepy small thumb. However, my brows have never looked better.
Song of the Day: Around the Way Girl, LL Cool J- “I want a girl with extensions in her hair. Bamboo earrings, at least two pair.”
I am not one of the lucky ones. I am not like some of my friends who have found a “great stylist” at a Paul Labreque. I don’t have a brow lady in Chinatown that charges $5.00. I’m just not that fortunate. Unfortunately, I go to a woman who plucks my brows for $75….and it is worth every penny (note on her later).
I guess to stress the seriousness of good up-keep, I need to relate a sad, personal story. One that has come to be known as the “Flo-Hen” incident. You see, about 5 years ago I had a very important date. He was an ex…a first love. If we connected, it would be like a fairy tale ending. So what did I do? I thought I would save a few bucks and get my hair cut at a place around the corner from where I lived. I’ll spare you all the details, but I ended up with a stylized female mullet, like one sported by Florence Henderson in the early Brady Years. I went to my friend’s house and cried and cried. With the magic of some bobby pins, I finally could bring myself outside. I had a Flo-Hen…no party in the back or the front. Just a head full of sadness.
My date with said ex was fun, and although we had a few subsequent dates, there was no fairy tale ending. He is now happily married and I have learned to never stray on my stylist again. Did our story end because of a bad haircut? I like to believe so. After all, it is better to blame someone else than yourself for a break up, no?
Note: Christine, who does my eyebrows, was recommended to me about 10 years ago by a fabulous friend. I had my first appointment with her and found out…she had an EXTRA THUMB? I mean, who doesn’t tell you that??? I was bugged out to no end. If I were sending a friend to someone with an extra appendage, I would certainly mention it…wouldn’t you? She has since had it removed, but I always think of her creepy small thumb. However, my brows have never looked better.
Song of the Day: Around the Way Girl, LL Cool J- “I want a girl with extensions in her hair. Bamboo earrings, at least two pair.”
Day Three- Mo Money, Mo Problems
Let’s look at the above statement as a logical theory, as I am sure Biggie intended. If you break down this argument structure, we can say “If A then B.” Thus, logically the antithesis is true, “If not A then not B. ” Ergo, we can deduce that if we had LESS money, then we would have FEWER problems. Even on my third day out of work I’m starting to believe this to be true. Why? It’s because I’m getting major unemployment envy. I worked out with my trainer and friend today; we all met in business school. My one friend elatedly told us that he just got laid off from his corporate gig. Now he can follow his dream to become a personal fitness trainer. My other friend, although threatening this since I met her, seriously wants to leave her job. You see, when I told my friends I wouldn’t be getting a steady paycheck, not one, ONE, person told me, “Oh, that’s horrible” or “What are you going to do?” Mainly I got, “I’m jealous” or “I wish I could quit.” Of course, the only person who had a heart attack was my mother. But that goes without saying.
I guess that is a sad testament right now to how many people aren’t truly happy in their jobs even in this horrible economy(ooh, I just got deep). I know about 3 friends who actually enjoy what they do…and I definitely have more than 3 friends (at least 260 per Facebook). I guess the moral of my story today is that if you are that unhappy with your job, grow a pair and quit. Find a job you truly love! Follow your dreams people! Money isn’t everything. It can’t buy you love. It sure as hell causes more problems and if people find out you have too much of it, they will want to stick you for your papers…and no one wants to get paged at 5:46 in the morning.
Oh, it also helps if you save a shitload of money before you quit or if you have rich parents.
Song of the Day: Rich Girl, Hall & Oates~ “Say money, money won’t get you too far, get you too far.”
I guess that is a sad testament right now to how many people aren’t truly happy in their jobs even in this horrible economy(ooh, I just got deep). I know about 3 friends who actually enjoy what they do…and I definitely have more than 3 friends (at least 260 per Facebook). I guess the moral of my story today is that if you are that unhappy with your job, grow a pair and quit. Find a job you truly love! Follow your dreams people! Money isn’t everything. It can’t buy you love. It sure as hell causes more problems and if people find out you have too much of it, they will want to stick you for your papers…and no one wants to get paged at 5:46 in the morning.
Oh, it also helps if you save a shitload of money before you quit or if you have rich parents.
Song of the Day: Rich Girl, Hall & Oates~ “Say money, money won’t get you too far, get you too far.”
Day Two- Time Is On My Side
Woke up at 1:00 today…PM that is. Ran in the park. I think I could get used to this. In fact, I realized today that for the first time in my entire life, I have no obligations. Think about it: grammar school through high school, college, jobs, business school. Since I was 5 I always had to be somewhere or do something I didn’t want to do. With this freedom I believe that my patience level has gone from 0% to .76% (which is 80% more than most New Yorkers). For example, I went to Starbucks and smirked when I saw a woman get angry and leave b/c the line was too long. Ha! I thought…she needs to be somewhere… and I don’t. Then I thought that I could have fun with this. Maybe I could go to my old Starbucks at 48th and Park around 8:45AM and ask about the caloric contents of the Frappacinos while all the suits behind me want to wring my neck. Then I can go to Chop’t around 1:30. I’ll order a salad with everything on it, and then ask to taste each salad dressing, only to get my salad sans dressing. After all, I have the time to take my time. I don’t have to be back at my desk for a 2PM conference call with the coast just to talk about how nice the weather is in LA for 35 minutes. Finally, I could do the most devilish, most annoying thing to a commuter; but I would need a partner in crime. What could be more fun than riding the 4 train at 8:00AM with a guy whom I could just cuddle and kiss like the plane is going down? We’ll whisper and giggle like we don’t have a care in the world and take pictures of each other on our phones. Of course, I’ll get up numerous times to check the map on the train, obliviously leaning over people, having my long hair creepily brush them on the arm.
Then I popped back into reality when I was riding the cross town bus tonight. My newly found .76% patience rate declined exponentially after each stop…children who “have” to swipe the card, people going only one stop, and then the elderly…don’t get me started on the “bus elderly”…that’s a whole blog unto itself. It was then I realized I could never be that obnoxious person who takes their time ordering coffee or a salad, oblivious to the world around them. I’m a New Yorker. I may have time to spare, but I’m going to use that time wisely. I will never have patience for dilly-dalliers….especially the elderly.
Song of the Day: Take The Long Way Home, Supertramp-~ “ When you look through the years and see what you could have been, what you might have been, if you’d have more time.”
Then I popped back into reality when I was riding the cross town bus tonight. My newly found .76% patience rate declined exponentially after each stop…children who “have” to swipe the card, people going only one stop, and then the elderly…don’t get me started on the “bus elderly”…that’s a whole blog unto itself. It was then I realized I could never be that obnoxious person who takes their time ordering coffee or a salad, oblivious to the world around them. I’m a New Yorker. I may have time to spare, but I’m going to use that time wisely. I will never have patience for dilly-dalliers….especially the elderly.
Song of the Day: Take The Long Way Home, Supertramp-~ “ When you look through the years and see what you could have been, what you might have been, if you’d have more time.”
Day One- Hello Old Friend
First day of unemployment and experiencing what will probably hold to be one of the greatest perks of not working: watching The Price is Right in real time. Yes, the host has changed, the mic is a bit bigger, and we aren’t reminded to spay and neuter our pets at the end (I wonder if this is going to affect the pet population), yet it is just as enjoyable to watch as when I was five. Watching the Price is Right brings me back to childhood. When I was five, I wouldn’t let my mom take me to kindergarten until the showcase was over… it was that important. I always felt bad for the person who got the dune buggy as a grand prize, because even at a young age I knew that was a stupid gift unless you live in the middle of the desert. But now, BOTH showcase prizes are filled with fabulosity. No more car for one, a bedroom set for the other. Today for example, one prize included: a personal chef, new grill, a spa day and a trip to Switzerland. The second one included a refrigerator …with a TV IN IT! I didn’t know that existed. However, my heart sank a bit when I saw the second part—it was a hot tub. So 1982 I thought. BUT, then I saw… it had a TV IN IT (see a theme here). Finally, the prize was rounded out with a trip to Boston with a 6 day hotel stay and a helicopter ride around the city. A far cry from Switzerland, but it is definitely not a cutlery set and a catamaran. In the end, the woman won the trip to Switzerland and all was good in the world. To all my friends working right now, you are missing out. The 30 second clips on The Soup cannot replace the one hour of complete zen-ness experienced while watching people play Plinko and the” Dude who goes up the mountain.” Perhaps this is my calling? To summarize TPIR for those who are unfortunately chained to a cube during the day? We shall see though, because Judge Pirro comes on at 4:00 and I KNOW I’ll have some commentary on that show.
Note: My good friend was on The Price is Right in college and got to the showcase but didn’t win. She DID win a brass 4-post king bed which I had the pleasure of sleeping on, and it truly was fabulous. It was a sad day when she sold that bed when she moved out of the city. I hope the new owners treat it well.
Song of the day: Put Your Ass Into It, Ice Cube~ “Life ain’t a track meet, it’s a marathon.”
Note: My good friend was on The Price is Right in college and got to the showcase but didn’t win. She DID win a brass 4-post king bed which I had the pleasure of sleeping on, and it truly was fabulous. It was a sad day when she sold that bed when she moved out of the city. I hope the new owners treat it well.
Song of the day: Put Your Ass Into It, Ice Cube~ “Life ain’t a track meet, it’s a marathon.”
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