Day Eleven- (Don't Fear) the Reaper

You know how some Inuit Tribes send their elders out to sea on an iceberg to die? Well, I think those icebergs take a wrong turn at Albuquerque (you're welcome Bugs Bunny fans) and end up at the Boat Basin on the UWS. You "workers of the day" don't tend to see them. But walk around my neighborhood on a Friday around 1PM and you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an old person (note: can anyone tell me where that saying originated?)

Anywho, it's not a secret to my friends or family that I am not fond of the concept of getting old. It has nothing to do with vanity. I just don't want to end up like so many of the old people on my block: cranky, smelly, and not afraid to knock you down with their Jazzies in Fairway.

I apologize to my abundant over 80 demo, but most of ya'll that I see in the city are just rude and obnoxious...and I think you know it! Deep down, you know that since you are of a "certain age," no one is going to say anything to you.

Please to enjoy the following episode I witnessed today:

Open on LAURA walking down the street. An ELDERLY WOMAN, with no less than 5 plastic bags in her hand, stops a YOUNG MAN on the street. The young man is obviously challenged and is wearing the same headphones as the "frank and beans" brother in Something about Mary.

WOMAN: (hits the young man...rather hard) Hey, You! You annoyed me on the bus yesterday.
(beat)
WOMAN: You just wouldn't shut up!
MAN: (not realizing she is mad at him) Oh yeah, I like to sing.
WOMAN: Well, you sing like hell. You can't carry a tune.

Young man is a little confused and Laura feels the urge to intervene b/c she is cringing at this situation. The woman continues.

WOMAN: Yeah, I was thinking to myself. Does this kid think he's black? Because he isn't and can't sing.
MAN: I like to sing.

Laura decides to move on b/c obviously this is taking a dark turn.

BLACKOUT.

I mean seriously people. Did this old lady NOT realize this poor kid was mentally challenged? I was so angry, but if I said something she probably would have bit me with her dentures or pummelled me with moth balls. All I am saying is what gives old people the right to be mean and nasty? You shouldn't get special passes just because you put tennis balls on the bottom of your walkers (you NYC'ers know what I'm talkin about.)

You know why I think she was cranky? B/C she never put together a dream board and therefore lived a dull, unfulfilled life (reference my last post--read them all!!!!!!)


Song of the Day: You Never Know, Wilco, "Come on, children; you're acting like children. Every generation thinks it's the end of the world.

Day Ten- Here I Go Again

Technically, I am behind a day on my blog, so my OCD is making me catch up and write another post today.

To NYC: Did anyone smell Kool-Aid tonight? I have my window open since I live in a sauna, and I got a whiff of something equivalent to someone opening a red Kool-Aid Packet..or a cherry Jello Packet. It lasted a good 5 minutes. Anyone? Anyone else smell it? We may have another Maple Syrup incident on our hands here.

Oh, and my neighbors are currently hosting a party with some dude playing the guitar. Yes, I think I hear "The Boxer." I thought they couldn't get any more annoying, but they just did. I hate them so much! Hate! I need ideas on how to secretly taunt them...help!

Song of the Day: Ya Mamma, The Pharcyde, "Ya mamma got a glass eye with the fish in it."

Day Nine- Daydream Believer

Just re-read The Secret. Thinking about my “dream board.” I know many people make fun of The Secret, but I truly believe in the one underlying principle it teaches: The Law of Attraction. It makes perfect sense: what you put out, you get in return. To get all scientific on your ass, we are essentially balls of energy… so wouldn’t it make sense that we attract the same energies we put out?

The point of a dream board is to put up pictures, words or items that represent what you want to obtain in life. Once you start focusing on this board, your thoughts and energy will become more devoted to obtaining these items or goals. I started one last year and one thing DID happen, but now it is sitting in my parent's closet, so I need to start a new one.

Or so I thought! You see, I was rummaging through the attic and came across a poem and a collage from about 4th grade. It was essentially my first dream board! The collage is comprised of such words as: Party, Beach, Movies, Hollywood, Malibu, Weird, Shore and Clothes. There are some pictures of the beach, movie posters and some blonde cheerleader.

Just as a reference, I am contemplating moving to LA (have wanted to move for a while) to pursue writing, but some people just don’t think I would like it there…hmmm. I thought, “See, I knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted to be since I was 10. Why am I not doing this?!” Yeah, yeah, I know; if everyone followed their childhood dreams we’d all be fireman, ballerinas or strippers. My point today is: Maybe what you really want is something you’ve put away for so long that you forgot. Think hard about what really makes you happy—some dreams don’t get old even though we do.

Oh, the poem? You really want to read it? OK. It is entitled “I Am” and it earned an “A” along with a “Beautiful” from the teacher.

I AM

I pretend I am a famous actress
I feel excited as I win my first Academy Award (I like how I specified “first”)
I touch the clouds (okaaay?)
I worry about nuclear war (I used to be a pacifist!)
I cry at sad movies
I am a fun-loving girl who loves the sea shore

Eat it Wordsworth!

Song of the Day: Ain’t Wastin Time No More, The Allman Brothers Band, “You don’t need no gypsy to tell you why, You can’t let one precious day slip by. Look inside yourself.”

Day Eight- Magic Man

Mistake #1: Walking in Bergdorf Goodman. Mistake #2: Walking past the bag sale.

It was then that I saw him. A 6’5 Adonis, with thick scruffed-up blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. I think I may have said “Dayum” a little too loud because the woman in front of me turned around. I mean this guy wasn’t pretty boy hot; he was Paul Newman/Robert Redford in their prime hot. He definitely had a manly quality about him although he was wearing that silky grey suit uniform for Bergdorfs. I know what ya’ll are thinking…gay, so get over it girl.

He came right over to me (probably because he smelled an easy victim) and asked if I needed help. His voice was like a George Clooney-esque angel. I really think I stared at him in awe for a good minute before I said, “No, thanks.” This guy was so hot that I even contemplated asking him out…because I knew I didn’t have a chance in hell. He was either: a) gay or b) so out of my league, it would simply amuse him that I asked him out.

As I was perusing the Tods bag on sale, he came over and noticed my bag. “Oh, that was from our line a few years back.” Ok, gay. But maybe not? Maybe an out of work actor who knows his Tods? Either way, he had me under his spell. I broke down and bought the darn bag. However in my defense, it was on sale AND I had a gift card from Christmas, so it didn’t cost me anything. This brings me to tip #88 on “How to save money while unemployed.”

Ladies! Do not, I repeat, do not venture into the handbag section of Bergdorfs unless you are prepared to buy something. Let me rephrase…you can go to the back section with the Gucci and the YSL, but I warn you, do NOT go near that Tods section. For you will see him, and a spell WILL be cast and then Poof!...you are out $800 bones. You have been warned.

PS- If anyone does know about this God of whom I speak…what’s his deal? Gay? Dating a supermodel? Tell him I love him!!


Song of the Day: Shoop, Salt-N-Pepa, “Don’t know how you do the voodoo that you do so well it’s a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop shoop.”

Day Seven- Rainy Days and Mondays

I woke up today at 10AM in a panic. “I’m late for work! I need to email my boss! Did I have any meetings today?” Then I realized that I don’t have a job anymore and calmed down for a minute. Then the panic set in again. “Oh my God, I have been out of work for a week! Suppose I end up homeless? Where would I live? Will the bums who sleep on my church steps accept me as one of their own?”

Upon realizing that I had been out of work for a week, I went back into my usual worry mode. I am actually surprised that I lasted this long. I know it is ironic to post this on a blog that touts the pros of unemployment, but I want all of my fellow non-workers to know: Although you have to try and remain positive, you WILL have crazy, panic moments. My advice to you is to accept the panic. Have a full blown freak out for 10 minutes…but then let it pass. It can be hard, trust me. This is coming from a person who still holds a grudge against someone from the 5th grade. I don’t let things go.

What I do know is that worrying about finding a job is not going to help you find one. It’s ok to take a day to just relax, not focus on your job search and be in that funk. Taking that day will actually make you feel more motivated to get back in the saddle the next day. So order in a pizza, watch some Lifetime or read a funny book... especially on a gross rainy Monday like this.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Song of the Day: Monday,Monday, The Mamas and The Papas, “Monday, Monday..can’t trust that day.”

Day Six- Shut Up

If people whistle when they are happy, why do I cringe in anger every time someone is loudly whistling on the train or on the street? I don't feel happy when I hear someone whistling. When someone is walking behind me, whistling like they don't have a care in the world, I want to turn around and punch them in the larynx. Am I jealous of their "devil may care" attitude or is it just plain fucking annoying?

Yep, that's about it for today.

Song of the Day Wu-Tang Ain't Nuthing Ta F'wit, Wu-Tang Clan, "And if you want beef, then bring the ruckus."

Day Five- Saturday In The Park

How gorgeous was today?? Got a nice run in the park and ran some errands. Just a great day in general with a fun night out. Which brings me to the first part in my 146-Part Series, "How to Save Money While Unemployed." Now, this is pretty mind blowing and innovative; but if you have an open mind, I guarantee you will thank me for it.

Ready? Tip #1: Take the subway instead of a cab at night. Yes, that's right..at night! I like taking the subway during the day (it's faster, cheaper, and more fun to people watch) but for some reason, I always thought that after 10PM, the subway system travels back to 1975 when there was graffiti on the walls and no air conditioning. I know- so irrational right? On Saturday, I took the subway at 9PM down to the WV for $2.25 and got there in 10 minutes. I left the bar around 1AM and took the train back. To my surprise, the station was filled with people... not empty except for a shady looking homeless person staring at me in the corner like I expected. So instead of paying $25 in cab fare, I paid $2.25 x 2 for my round trip on the subway. I was pleased.

Think this tip is obvious? Well, why do we still need Oprah to tell us that fast food is bad for us and that Dr. Oz is the man? We already know this as fact! Why are there a zillion fitness magazines telling us the same thing: that walking is good for us? Duh! So, just as we re-read to death all this information that is already so blatantly obvious, I reiterate: taking the subway at night saves you money. Also, sleeping and drinking water are surprisingly beneficial to your health! I was so misguided in thinking that all you needed was a good ole' three-day coke and vodka bender to get you feeling refreshed and healthy!

Song of the Day What a Fool Believes, The Doobie Brothers, "But what a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away."

Day Four- Hey Ladies

This entry is for all the ladies out there. Ladies, I can NOT stress this enough. Start an emergency fund NOW. You never know what will happen. You may lose your job. Your husband may lose his job. Your father may marry the living-equivalent of Anna Nicole Smith and you will lose your inheritance. Whatever it may be, you need to be prepared. Of course what I am talking about is that you need to keep your CCBB no matter what may come. You know: your cutter, colorist, brow lady and bikini waxer. I’m sorry, but none of these people should ever be compromised should you fall on hard times. Food? Go to Gray’s Papaya. Sick? Take a Benadryl. But beauty maintenance? Don’t ever compromise. That is why I am telling you now. Save at least $5,000 for an emergency beauty fund.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I am not like some of my friends who have found a “great stylist” at a Paul Labreque. I don’t have a brow lady in Chinatown that charges $5.00. I’m just not that fortunate. Unfortunately, I go to a woman who plucks my brows for $75….and it is worth every penny (note on her later).

I guess to stress the seriousness of good up-keep, I need to relate a sad, personal story. One that has come to be known as the “Flo-Hen” incident. You see, about 5 years ago I had a very important date. He was an ex…a first love. If we connected, it would be like a fairy tale ending. So what did I do? I thought I would save a few bucks and get my hair cut at a place around the corner from where I lived. I’ll spare you all the details, but I ended up with a stylized female mullet, like one sported by Florence Henderson in the early Brady Years. I went to my friend’s house and cried and cried. With the magic of some bobby pins, I finally could bring myself outside. I had a Flo-Hen…no party in the back or the front. Just a head full of sadness.

My date with said ex was fun, and although we had a few subsequent dates, there was no fairy tale ending. He is now happily married and I have learned to never stray on my stylist again. Did our story end because of a bad haircut? I like to believe so. After all, it is better to blame someone else than yourself for a break up, no?

Note: Christine, who does my eyebrows, was recommended to me about 10 years ago by a fabulous friend. I had my first appointment with her and found out…she had an EXTRA THUMB? I mean, who doesn’t tell you that??? I was bugged out to no end. If I were sending a friend to someone with an extra appendage, I would certainly mention it…wouldn’t you? She has since had it removed, but I always think of her creepy small thumb. However, my brows have never looked better.

Song of the Day: Around the Way Girl, LL Cool J- “I want a girl with extensions in her hair. Bamboo earrings, at least two pair.”

Day Three- Mo Money, Mo Problems

Let’s look at the above statement as a logical theory, as I am sure Biggie intended. If you break down this argument structure, we can say “If A then B.” Thus, logically the antithesis is true, “If not A then not B. ” Ergo, we can deduce that if we had LESS money, then we would have FEWER problems. Even on my third day out of work I’m starting to believe this to be true. Why? It’s because I’m getting major unemployment envy. I worked out with my trainer and friend today; we all met in business school. My one friend elatedly told us that he just got laid off from his corporate gig. Now he can follow his dream to become a personal fitness trainer. My other friend, although threatening this since I met her, seriously wants to leave her job. You see, when I told my friends I wouldn’t be getting a steady paycheck, not one, ONE, person told me, “Oh, that’s horrible” or “What are you going to do?” Mainly I got, “I’m jealous” or “I wish I could quit.” Of course, the only person who had a heart attack was my mother. But that goes without saying.

I guess that is a sad testament right now to how many people aren’t truly happy in their jobs even in this horrible economy(ooh, I just got deep). I know about 3 friends who actually enjoy what they do…and I definitely have more than 3 friends (at least 260 per Facebook). I guess the moral of my story today is that if you are that unhappy with your job, grow a pair and quit. Find a job you truly love! Follow your dreams people! Money isn’t everything. It can’t buy you love. It sure as hell causes more problems and if people find out you have too much of it, they will want to stick you for your papers…and no one wants to get paged at 5:46 in the morning.

Oh, it also helps if you save a shitload of money before you quit or if you have rich parents.

Song of the Day: Rich Girl, Hall & Oates~ “Say money, money won’t get you too far, get you too far.”

Day Two- Time Is On My Side

Woke up at 1:00 today…PM that is. Ran in the park. I think I could get used to this. In fact, I realized today that for the first time in my entire life, I have no obligations. Think about it: grammar school through high school, college, jobs, business school. Since I was 5 I always had to be somewhere or do something I didn’t want to do. With this freedom I believe that my patience level has gone from 0% to .76% (which is 80% more than most New Yorkers). For example, I went to Starbucks and smirked when I saw a woman get angry and leave b/c the line was too long. Ha! I thought…she needs to be somewhere… and I don’t. Then I thought that I could have fun with this. Maybe I could go to my old Starbucks at 48th and Park around 8:45AM and ask about the caloric contents of the Frappacinos while all the suits behind me want to wring my neck. Then I can go to Chop’t around 1:30. I’ll order a salad with everything on it, and then ask to taste each salad dressing, only to get my salad sans dressing. After all, I have the time to take my time. I don’t have to be back at my desk for a 2PM conference call with the coast just to talk about how nice the weather is in LA for 35 minutes. Finally, I could do the most devilish, most annoying thing to a commuter; but I would need a partner in crime. What could be more fun than riding the 4 train at 8:00AM with a guy whom I could just cuddle and kiss like the plane is going down? We’ll whisper and giggle like we don’t have a care in the world and take pictures of each other on our phones. Of course, I’ll get up numerous times to check the map on the train, obliviously leaning over people, having my long hair creepily brush them on the arm.

Then I popped back into reality when I was riding the cross town bus tonight. My newly found .76% patience rate declined exponentially after each stop…children who “have” to swipe the card, people going only one stop, and then the elderly…don’t get me started on the “bus elderly”…that’s a whole blog unto itself. It was then I realized I could never be that obnoxious person who takes their time ordering coffee or a salad, oblivious to the world around them. I’m a New Yorker. I may have time to spare, but I’m going to use that time wisely. I will never have patience for dilly-dalliers….especially the elderly.

Song of the Day: Take The Long Way Home, Supertramp-~ “ When you look through the years and see what you could have been, what you might have been, if you’d have more time.”

Day One- Hello Old Friend

First day of unemployment and experiencing what will probably hold to be one of the greatest perks of not working: watching The Price is Right in real time. Yes, the host has changed, the mic is a bit bigger, and we aren’t reminded to spay and neuter our pets at the end (I wonder if this is going to affect the pet population), yet it is just as enjoyable to watch as when I was five. Watching the Price is Right brings me back to childhood. When I was five, I wouldn’t let my mom take me to kindergarten until the showcase was over… it was that important. I always felt bad for the person who got the dune buggy as a grand prize, because even at a young age I knew that was a stupid gift unless you live in the middle of the desert. But now, BOTH showcase prizes are filled with fabulosity. No more car for one, a bedroom set for the other. Today for example, one prize included: a personal chef, new grill, a spa day and a trip to Switzerland. The second one included a refrigerator …with a TV IN IT! I didn’t know that existed. However, my heart sank a bit when I saw the second part—it was a hot tub. So 1982 I thought. BUT, then I saw… it had a TV IN IT (see a theme here). Finally, the prize was rounded out with a trip to Boston with a 6 day hotel stay and a helicopter ride around the city. A far cry from Switzerland, but it is definitely not a cutlery set and a catamaran. In the end, the woman won the trip to Switzerland and all was good in the world. To all my friends working right now, you are missing out. The 30 second clips on The Soup cannot replace the one hour of complete zen-ness experienced while watching people play Plinko and the” Dude who goes up the mountain.” Perhaps this is my calling? To summarize TPIR for those who are unfortunately chained to a cube during the day? We shall see though, because Judge Pirro comes on at 4:00 and I KNOW I’ll have some commentary on that show.

Note: My good friend was on The Price is Right in college and got to the showcase but didn’t win. She DID win a brass 4-post king bed which I had the pleasure of sleeping on, and it truly was fabulous. It was a sad day when she sold that bed when she moved out of the city. I hope the new owners treat it well.

Song of the day: Put Your Ass Into It, Ice Cube~ “Life ain’t a track meet, it’s a marathon.”