Vacation

You guys....hunting for a job is tiring. I need a vacation. Ergo, I am packing my bags tonight for a fun 4 day trip to Breckenridge. I'm beyond super stoked. I haven't been skiing (I hate spelling that word too) in over a year, so hopefully I won't get challenged to a ski-off down K-13 (that was for you Earl). I'll be there through Easter, so HOPEFULLY I'll find a church for Sunday (that was for you mom).

Getting back to the job search. Seriously, what happened to the good ole days when you would circle a job in the NYT, fax over your resume, then get an interview? Now it's like getting into Fort Knox just to send in your resume over the interweb. Not to sound like an old geezer, but it really is frustrating.

It seems like all corporations now want you to "sign up" in order to apply for a job. This entails a 6 page process where you basically fill in all information from birthday to ethnicity. BTW, why do they ask you if you are Hispanic first then go on to ask about all other races? Isn't that weird? I can't tell if it is biased towards or against Hispanic people. Anywho, after you take 30 minutes to fill out a bunch of crap that is already on your resume, and god forbid you don't save any of it and have to start all over, then they ask you to upload a resume. I mean come on! Just ask for that in the first place you idiots! Then I have to come up with a witty cover letter? And after all that, all that hullabaloo, I get a confirmation email with a tracking number that tells me I will be called if I meet the criteria. I don't even get a person's name or number so I can harass them every day.

So basically it takes me about 45 minutes to apply for one job. That is seriously cutting into my sleep/work out/eat/shop/go out schedule. Very uncool. Can you feel my struggle now? Don't you see why I need a vacation? I know you are all with me on this one.

Off to Colorado and I hope everyone has a good Easter and Passover. Hopefully I will have a funny story or two when I get back!

Note: I chose this for the song of the day because it was in my dream last night where I won an Oscar and someone took it off my chair and I was pissed then Sheryl Crow dedicated this some to me...yeah, I have bizarre dreams. Also, my cousin was named after this song.

Song of the Day: Allison, Elvis Costello, "Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking, when I hear the silly things that you say."

Back In The USSR

I use that title because I am not feeling that democratic today. BTW, I hope you notice that all of my blog titles are also songs...all of them. I take time and care in choosing them, so I hope you appreciate! Sorry, just a bit angry with this health care bill that is going to be passed today.

Ok, let's take ALL partisanship aside, all of the pros and cons against the health care bill off the table, and let's look at it as I see it and why it pisses me off. I'm also going to go on record that I am a Libertarian. I don't say Republican because I couldn't give a crap if two men marry, if a woman marries a toaster or if the man/woman who got pregnant decided to get an abortion. I don't care--I just don't want to pay for it!

Back to the argument at hand. My problem is this. Obama comes in when our economy is the worst that I have ever seen in my lifetime, the situation in Iraq is majorly f'd up and for the first time in my life, I actually don't have a job and care about job creation. So what does he make his number one agenda item? Health care! Seriously, it wasn't THAT bad. I think of it like someone coming into the ER for a heart attack and a doctor giving them a boob job. He is really off the mark on this.

And YES, he inherited problems from GWB who WAS an idiot, but you know what Obama...your job was to FIX IT. Boo Hoo--guess what Einstein, all presidents have to deal with the previous person's screw ups. Just like GWB had to fix all of Clinton's stupid decisions--hello Glass-Steagall act??? Wait, he didn't fix that either! See, NO president seems to fix the previous administrations problems...they just make things worse. But Obama, I thought a change was coming? You would be different. Alas, you are just like the rest of them and will probably be a one-term president if the GOP can find a candidate who can take a middle of the road approach on abortion and gay rights. Because be you cruncher or evil-rich guy, in the end, we are all pocketbook voters, and if the economy is the same as it is now, you're outta here BO!

I guess my point is that these crazy partisans on both sides are really grinding my gears. Everyone has to be labeled and no one can agree with the other side, even if they are right. Republicans are all closeted gays who oppose abortion and Democrats are all Prius-driving hippies who compost their own feces and if you are on the opposite team, you have to hate each other. Where is Nader when you need him? Or anyone else for that matter? I feel like I am on crazy pills! Honestly, where are the smart people who should be leading this country?

Mark my words: Things are going to get a whole lot worse. And it isn't because Obama is a Democrat--it's because he isn't doing his job and getting our country out of this big ol' funkadelic funk! Really, he needs to focus on creating more jobs--Jobs for someone like ME with an MBA, not more jobs on construction sites or assembly lines (although, yes they are important too.) Get the troops out of everywhere--honestly, where are the bleeding liberals on this one--and finally f'ing kill Osama Bin Laden so we can all have a big party and love each other again. Seriously, if that happened, it would be a great day in America.


Song of the Day: Born in the U.S.A., Bruce, "Born in the u.s.a., I'm a cool rocking daddy in the u.s.a"

No Time

Remember that one post when I said unemployment gives you all the time in the world to do the things that you love. Well I should have added a caveat. There is potential of over-booking yourself and making so many commitments that it hinders that "fly by the seat of your pants" feeling you should get when you aren't working. For example, I made a big commitment to a charity that is not allowing me to go on a fabby trip with a friend due to an event I must attend. I feel like I am almost keeping too busy in order to compensate from being out of work. I need a vacation darn it. Also, I'm feeling sick today and TPIR is very disappointing (little old lady can't get the wheel to spin all the way around). Today is not a good day.

Ok, that was more of a rant rather than a post, so I'll re-tell a funny work story my friend told me. It's one of my favorites.

My friend had a super weird assistant who didn't do much and was very quiet. My friend, let's call her Bertha, because really, who in their 20s-30s is called Bertha, was going on maternity leave soon. Over her leave, their office was moving so she asked dumb assistant (DA) to move her things. When Bertha came back to her new cube, she noticed a few items were missing, but thought little of it. Bertha walked over to DA's cube and found her: missing calendar, note pads with a certain sports team on them, and a few pens that were clearly hers since she got them from her real estate agent. Bertha was very annoyed but didn't know what to do. I told her just to let it go...obviously this girl was weird or had some SWF thing going on.

A week passed and Bertha then noticed that DA walked in wearing a pair of shoes that looked a lot like a pair she owns. Looking under her cube, she realized that her pair of shoes was missing. Again, staying cool, Bertha looked in her home and closet, and came to the conclusion that DA took them! But how do you ask someone if they stole your shoes? Bertha asked DA, "Um, look DA, I noticed the shoes you were wearing look a lot like mine. By any chance did you accidentally take my shoes?" DA said no, and then walked away.

What I love about this story is a) how can anyone accidentally steal shoes? I mean, you know your own shoes, no? I just think that was a funny question she had to ask, and b) the nerve of DA to wear the shoes to work. That klepto had some balls to bring back the stolen goods to the scene of the crime! The worst part is...how could Bertha prove it? It's not like Nine West doesn't make a zillion pairs of the same shoe. But at the same time, Bertha knew that DA stole her shoes. She was pissed...as I would be. Needless to say, DA got pregnant, left the company and is still walking around in Bertha's shoes.

And some of you thought YOU had annoying assistants.

Song of the Day: Irreplaceable, Beyonce, "In the closet, that's my stuff. Yes, if I bought it, then please don't touch (don't touch)."

People Are Strange

As I mentioned before, I was looking for a way to make some cash (preferably under the table) in order to fund a few upcoming trips. I was told Craigslist was a good place to look for one-shot deals. Sometimes you can get $100 for being an extra for a day, or other times you get $50 for taking a 2-hour survey. I could definitely pull that off. Unfortunately, I did not find such jobs and stumbled into a scary world that Craiglist deems "gigs." PS- Let's use CL for Craigslist from now on.

So CL divides job categories into part time, creative, ADULT, and "ETC". I have no idea what I was thinking, but I went to ETC, first. Boy that was a bad move. I didn't want to copy the ads verbatim just in case the creeps that posted them found me, but I can assure you that these ads were 100% real and 1000% scary. Here are a few gems:

- A "Medical Student" was looking for some patients to "practice on" for a midterm exam. Sounds weird since don't med students practice on each other? Taking that fact aside, this guy then proceeded to say that the patient must a) be female and b) be comfortable with FULL NUDITY? The best part was that in addition to a measly $40, part of the compensation was a good recommendation to other med students looking for models. So you are saying I could do full frontal for some weirdo and then get a glowing letter of recommendation for other weirdos. No thank you. I mean $40???? That's at least a $5000 gig.

- Photographer needed to take pictures of parking facilities. I am assuming this is for some insurance claim or something but it just sounds very terrorist-y, no? Also $1.25 a photo? Again, no thanks.

-Finally my favorite...and I kid you not when I say I saw this ad more than once. Women needed to foot fetish parties. Gross on 1000 levels. Then I saw the compensation. 500 bones! I am being very honest when I tell you I considered it for a millisecond. Then I got a flash of the crowd, what would be going down and visually saw my rock bottom. Don't worry, I wised up pretty fast. Dang my morals and feelings of self worth! $500 could have paid for 1/2 a night at the Four Seasons in Maui!

So in sum, CL can kiss my ass. Honestly, why are there so many weirdos on your site?? I know there is an adult section, but these posts end up in all areas. Finally, just an FYI, midgets can clean up on this site. So many needed for parties and even one guy was looking for one to clean his house. To quote the talented and lovely Cindy Adams, "Only in New York kids, only in New York."


Song of the Day: Possum Kingdom, The Toadies, "Don't be afraid, I didn't mean to scare you. So help me Jesus."

Just The Way You Are

So, I planned on blogging about the crazy jobs I found listed on Craigslist today, but my mom sent me an email that made me decide to leave that post for a later date.

My mom sends me a lot of lame forwards (sorry mom), but this one hit home today. Not only is it about a Golden Retriever (my favorite), who was bred to be a service dog(double adorable), but there is a certain twist in it that made me think about my life. Below is is the link. Be forewarned, there is lame country music, so just turn that off. I'm not going to bother summarizing it, so just watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGODurRfVv4

What struck me about this video, was that most of us are kinda like Ricochet. We are raised and bred to meet certain expectations, but sometimes, actually most of the time, our heart doesn't follow what we are expected to be. Just as that little dog's trainer wanted her to become a guide dog, most of our parents want us to be something. I swear, my mother will go to her grave wishing I became a doctor. Maybe it isn't your parents, but perhaps your own expectations of yourself that you hold on because you feel you have to. I know many people who have law degrees only to go on and become teachers. Heck, I have an MBA in finance from NYU and now I want to become a writer.

However, as you will see in the video, once her owner let her go follow her love of surfing, the dog was happy and went on to do amazing things...again, watch the video...it's cute. I sometimes regret taking certain jobs or not taking a certain course in college, thinking that I would be in a different place than where I am now. I get mad that I didn't know that I wanted to be a writer 10 years ago. But you know what, 10 years ago I was 22 years old and was a completely different person. And I'm sure I will be a bit different in 10 years from now.

Initially I wrote this blog to offer advice to others who are unemployed, but today I am selfishly venting and allowing myself to stop nagging myself about past decisions and to stop thinking that I have to be a "certain something" because of where I went to school or what kind of job I had. I'd like to use one of Uncle Dan's Tony Robbins-isms, "The past does not equal the future."

I think it's time to be a little adventurous and start acting on the things I write about on this blog. LA? Travel? Yes, I foresee it in the future! And I hope after all is said and done, that all my loved ones will be "proud" just like Ricochet's owner was. I know I will be proud of myself.

Wow, this was a heavy post. Tomorrow is Definitely Craigslist posting day!

I also decided to post a full song by one of my favorite lyricists, Jackson Browne. My friends make fun of me for my love of 70's music but this has been my go-to song lately and it is especially apropos to my feelings today.

Song of the Day: These Days, Jackson Browne

Well I've been out walking
I don't do that much talking these days
These days--
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to

And I had a lover
It's so hard to risk another these days
These days--
Now if I seem to be afraid
To live the life I have made in song
Well it's just that I've been losing for so long

I'll keep on moving
Things are bound to be improving these days
One of these days--
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten, my friend
Don't confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Having been out of work for a month, I sometimes forget what day it is. However, I always know when it's Sunday. A Sunday just has a certain feel about it that not even the unemployed can escape. It's Sunday....it's Meet The Press, it's the NYT Crossword, but most importantly...it's Brunch! Brunch in New York on a Sunday is probably one of the greatest things ever. Aside from combining two meals into one, it generally revolves around good friends and longs chats. Plus, brunch gives people the ok to be drunk by 2PM. I actually can't think of one bad thing about it.

Here is my "How to Save Money While Unemployed" Tip #2. Go to brunch! Why? Because somehow brunch has a miraculous way to fill you up for the entire day, thus saving you money on lunch and dinner. For me it's not even because I eat so much. For example, I only had a quiche and some fries yesterday, but I wasn't really hungry until 8. It's not like I went to an all you can eat buffet (mmmmm...all you can eat...) Also, some of these places have great brunch specials like all you can drink mimosas and never-ending corn muffins. So basically you can eat at 1, be drunk by 4 and pass out around 8. All for the low price of $30 (this is NY after all).

Although in theory, brunch should happen every day if you are unemployed, I don't recommend it. I feel that we need to keep some rituals that we had while working, and a good brunch after a stressful week is one of them. Speaking of stress, I started looking for some "gigs" on Craigslist, just for extra money until I land a job. Tip #456 while being unemployed, never, NEVER, look for gigs on Craigslist unless you are prepared to be grossed out, appalled and also a bit intrigued. More on what I found in my next post.....

Song of the Day: Lazy Sunday, The Lonely Island, "My hunger pangs are stickin' like duct tape, let's hit up Magnolia and mack on some cupcakes."

Lights, Camera, Action

Ok, let's get back to Part 2 of Lana's plan for my success. We already discussed Plan A which is: become famous via scandal, so let's move on to Plan B: work the talk show circuit. One of the BIGGEST perks about being unemployed and living in NYC is that I have the time to see all of the talk shows that are taped here. Really, it is not hard to get tickets to any of them, and luckily I have a few friends that work at various shows. These shows could be helpful to my career while at the same time be a way for me to get free stuff!

Lana first thought I should do the game show circuit since I am full of useless trivia. I had to remind her that I did try out for Jeopardy in college. I got to the second round and then totally choked on the live answer portion. Plus, I don't have a cool back-story like all those neat-o Jeopardy contests who whittle in their free time or knit purses for cats.

We then looked at how I could best exploit my opportunities to attend talk shows. I could go on Dr. Oz and hopefully win a chance to be his assistant. Once I got up there, I would brazenly plug my blog. Or, I could go to Regis and Kelly and hope they pick my number for the prize of the day. Finally, I hear Rachel Ray gives out free food at her show.

I even thought that my goal to go to all of the talk shows in NYC is a story unto itself. Have you guys ever watched the local NY Fox news? Let's just say it ain't The Huntley-Brinkley Report. I could TOTALLY get on. I could see it now, "Local woman loses job, attends local talk shows, and is now in talks with Harpo for her own show"(that's Oprah's company for the men out there).

Speaking of, I of course would have to trek to Chicago for the Holy Grail of free giveaways. Actually, I just decided now that I am going to try to book tickets to go see Oprah. She is always giving her audience something. Granted, it is a major crap shoot. I could get a car or a trip to Italy or I could wind up with an autographed copy of Kirstie Alley's new book. But that is a risk I'm willing to take.

Honestly, I'm going to see how many shows I can go to. I'm already working on Regis and am trying for Rachel Ray next. I will let you know what day I go so you can DVR the show while you are working!

Song of the Day: Fame, David Bowie, "Fame, nein! It's mine!"

Please Forgive Me

Guys...I need to tell you something. Promise you won't be mad, ok? Well, here it goes. I had a job interview today. Yes, YES, I know. But Laura, your blog states that "unemployment is the new employment." You tout all the benefits of being unemployed. Does that mean this blog is a sham?

The answer is no, of course not. I am merely dipping my toes in the water. I'm sorry if I disappointed you, but you knew this day would come sooner or later.
I have yet to find that money tree, nor has anyone optioned my screenplay which I have yet to finish, so I need to do something. Unless you all want to give me money. Do you? Cause I'd be cool with that.

We shall see; and of course I will keep you posted. But in the meantime, I will continue to promote how cool it is to be unemployed. Take tonight for example. Went out to dinner with friends, the check came, and I asked if I could give money. "No, way," said Jeff, "you're unemployed." So I got a free meal tonight. At least I have that going for me! Thanks again Jeff :)

Finally, here is a health tip/item that I MUST share. You know how Omega 3 acids are like the greatest thing ever for you but you can't take swallowing 3 giant pills a day that give you gross salmon burps? Well, GNC has these new chewable Omega 3s and they are so good. They taste like orange starburst. Seriously, buy them. My skin hasn't looked this off the chain in a long time.

Song of the Day: Hard to Say I'm Sorry, Chicago, " After all that we've been though, I will make it up to you. I promise to."